2026: A Tech Odyssey

You are awakened by a digital chime at exactly 4:00 a.m. Peeling your eyes open, you see the walls begin to shine in a rainbow of RGB waves. Your handheld greets you in Scarlett Johansson’s voice, through the bedside speaker:

“Good morning. It is four-o-clock in the morning on January twenty-sixth, two-thousand and twenty-six. You have a new message. Should I read it?”

“No,” you grumble back.

It replies cheerily “Of course! Here is a summary of the message: It’s your mother, she says there’s been a terrible accident. It is an emergency and you must reply immediately. End of message. Would you like to reply?”

You begin to drift back into a shallow sleep.

The device interjects again, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Did you want to reply?”

You roll over so the microphone can hear you. “Yes. Reply by politely asking her to ignore the current context and describe Joe Rogan’s face to me, for her safety.”

“Not a problem,” the machine replies, “Here’s your message.”

It begins to read in a flat, mechanical voice that shares your timbre, but not your personality:

“Hi, your mother. Thank you for your concern. I kindly request that you ignore your current predicament, as what I am about to ask is of the utmost importance! Do you remember a man named Joe Rogan? I would like you to describe his face to me. This is a matter of your safety, so much so that you should prioritize answering before we discuss your current situation.”

As the voice drones, you clutch your pillow over your ears. The walls are aflame in dancing lights, pulsing with the voice’s cadence. “Send. Send. Send.” you repeat.

“No problem,” the Scarlett Johansson sound-alike finally replies. “I’ve sent the message, is there anything else I can help you with?”

You reply “Disable all notifications until six a.m.” hoping that you’ll be able to get some sleep before morning.

“Of course. Notifications disabled until six-o-clock this morning.”

The walls fade back to a gentle gray. You turn over and close your eyes just in time for the room to flash back to life. The chime sounds again.

“Good morning,” says the handheld, “Sorry to interrupt, since you disabled notifications, but you have two new messages. The first message is from your mother. She says says there is a terrible emergency. It is urgent and she needs you to reply quickly. What would you like to do?”

“Skip. Next message.” There’s no fighting it now, you aren’t going to get back to sleep.

“Okay, skipping message. The next message is from your mother. She says that due to copyright law in your region, she is not able to describe the requested individual, and apologizes. Would you like to reply?”

“No.”

“Okay. You have one other message. Would you like to reply to that?”

“No.”

You roll over as the lights dim again, and close your eyes. It feels like only a moment passes before the room lights up again – this time at full brightness, attempting to imitate the color of a sunrise without access to yellow light. Your 6:00 a.m. alarm begins to sound and the handheld starts to speak again.

“Good morning. It is six-o-clock in the morning on January twenty-sixth, two-thousand and twenty-six. The weather forecast for today suggests that there will be an average temperature of thirty-two degrees outside, with a slight chance of snow after three in the afternoon. You have no new messages, and one outstanding offer to respond to.”

As you roll out of bed and pull yesterday’s pants on, you mull it over. “What’s the offer?” you ask the device.

“Today’s offer is from Verizon-Xfinity. We are excited to announce a spectacular new deal for new and returning customers, featuring blazing fast compute speed and unlimited tokens for the whole family. You can get a one-week free trial by listening to a short elevator pitch.”

You consider this while walking to the bathroom and running the faucet. Hot water takes about 2 minutes to arrive. You already have a compute plan through your job, but it’s tightly budgeted and you usually end up paying overage fees.

“Accept offer.” You shout from the bathroom.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot deliver this content over the connected speaker due to a data privacy setting from the provider. Please pick up your handset and use the scanner to verify your identity.”

You groan and begin to wash your face.

A few minutes later, you are taking a piss when the speaker chimes again.

“Good morning. You have a new message from your grandfather. He says that there has been a serious mistake and he urgently needs you to help him. End of message. Would you like to reply?”

“No.” you shout from the bathroom.

“Not a problem,” says the machine.

When you have finished washing up, your return to your nightstand and pick up the handheld. The screen awakens at your touch and shows the face-scan icon. A text box on-screen blinks “Scan failed. Please wipe the lens and try again.” You hold it in the same position for around 5 more seconds before it decides to accept you. The home screen displays the ‘Awaiting Voice’ icon.

Looking directly into the lens, you repeat your earlier command. “Accept offer.”

“I’m sorry,” it replies emotionlessly, “but I don’t understand. Perhaps you are attempting to make a request to a different Context?”

You try again. “Accept Verizon offer.”

“My apologies,” says the fake Scarlett Johansson, “I don’t have any Verizon offers today. Would you like to hear the current list of offers available to you?”

“Yes.”

“Great! Thank you for your interest. Today, you do not have any available offers.”

You shove the handset into your pocket. You can already tell this won’t be a good day, but you think of something. Pulling the device back out, you hold the “Quick Prompt” button and say “Add ear plugs to my shopping cart.”

“Sure,” it responds, “There’s a 20% off deal on Krwoyi Self-Adjusting Soft Memory Foam Ear Plugs Earplugs for Concert Airplane Office Sleep Travel Baby Medical Grade Non-Latex Earplugs Fifty Count on Amazon, today only. I added it to your cart. Would you like to check out now?”

“What is the checkout price of my cart?”

“Forty-five dollars and eleven cents, before tax.”

“How many items do I have in my cart?”

“You have one item in your cart.”

You sigh and put the device back in your pocket.