A Meditation on the Sad Decline of Joe and the Juice

I was buying lunch at Joe and the Juice yesterday, as even the most degenerate of us must do at times, and boy, it was a letdown from previous experiences. To be straightforward, there was nobody working behind the counter that made me feel like an unattractive schlub in comparison. In fact I was objectively better looking than all of them, which is a frightening thing to utter aloud.

At one time Juicers were all young dudes with the looks of models for California beachwear and the bodies of extreme sports superstars, fellows whose favorite words were bro and rad, and who perhaps had never needed any words other than those. These guys I saw yesterday obviously needed fully working vocabularies to get through life, they were just not gorgeous enough to do without.

The one who took my order, who had a face like a young Jonah Hill and a hairline like an old Jonah Hill and a body shaped like a sentient melon, did not have the world weary yet sublimely joyful expression of someone who had left the fast paced life of the modern world to hang out on sunny beaches learning the mysteries of the juice. He looked like the kind of guy who earned a paycheck and was maybe going to school to learn something practical, like business administration or plumbing.

He tried to upsell me on a membership card, but sadly, he was just not pretty and dumb enough to close the sale.

This is what happens when you get rid of discriminatory and unfair hiring practices, I thought to myself as I watched the Joe and the Juice employees prepare my order in an efficient no-nonsense manner without any high fives or shaking of asses to 160 BPM electronica, your customers lose that feeling of genetic insecurity that sets your brand apart.

This is not how the Joe and the Juice story was supposed to turn out.

Now when I say the Joe and Juice story I don’t mean that fake ass story they tell you on their site about opening up a juice bar in Denmark and hiring hot young guys with energy that the owners found appealing — I mean the true story of Joe and how he came to live for the juice, and only the juice.

This is Joe, he lives for the Juice.

It was the story of a guy who had his heart broken by a high society dame some time between the wars.

A guy who fled the developed world for the seclusion and lawlessness of North Africa, to spend his days sleeping on a hammock and his nights pouring juice at the best juice joint in town.

In short it was a lot like Casablanca, only without a real man playing the lead, and a much wimpier drinks assortment.

You don’t believe me — pictures don’t lie

Here is Joe, Again

And here, a real man, drinking a real man’s drink.

Still not convinced, drinks don’t lie either

Stress Down (Strawberry, Ginger, Apple)

Green Tonic (Kale, Celery, Cucumber)

Joe’s AMG. Apple, mint, ginger.

Iron Man. Kiwi, strawberry, apple.

Fibre Active. Avocado, Lemon, Apple.

Energizer. Red grapefruit, Ginger, Apple.

Hell of a Nerve. Strawberry, banana, elderflower.

Prince of Green. Pineapple, Lemon, Cucumber.

Go Away Doc. Carrot, apple, ginger.

Avo Shake (Avocado, Banana, Vanilla Milk)

Power Shake (Strawberry, Banana, Vanilla Milk)

Rebuild 2.0 (Raw cacao, banana, avocado, protein, dates, almond choco-drink)

Blue Magic (Blue spirulina, hemp seeds, avocado, protein, dates, lemon, cashew-coconut drink)

Red Supreme (Strawberry, Banana,avocado, protein, dates,beetroot, cashew-coconut drink)

Green Gains (spirulina, cacao nibs, avocado, protein, dates,cashew-coconut drink)

Ginger shot (ginger, apple)

Tumeric shot (tumeric, lemon, apple, black pepper)

Wine — if no name given, generally drunk by desperate women fallen on hard times, tourists, and Peter Lorre at his most weaselly.

Cocktails — no name cocktails are generally as bad as wine, but champagne cocktails are especially beloved of french police inspectors.

Champagne — bad guys and good guys drink champagne, but the bad guys get drunk off it and the good guys use it to fight dehydration.

Brandy — Rick drinks Brandy, it is a man’s drink and Rick drinks it a lot. Conclusion: Rick is a lot of man!

Veuve Cliquot 1926 — supposedly the world’s best wine and I believe it for two reasons 1. I hate wine 2. The french police captain recommends it to the Nazis. Follow my logic, wine sucks, its the world’s best wine, must suck the worst, French police captain who hates the Nazis recommends them this wine.

Cointreaux The drink of anti-Nazi resistance heroes, it sounds pretty good too. I have to get me some.

Bourbon — Rick also drinks this, but not in the morning.

French 75s — specialty cocktail — the kind of thing a girl has to drink if she’s gonna make it with a goosestepper.

Cognac — anti-Nazi and classy stuff.

Medicinal Whisky — when your anti-Nazi revolutionary hero gets beat up you offer him some medicinal whisky, Victor Lazslo was a proponent of peace and a civilized man but I’m pretty sure if you offered him strawberries and vanilla milk he would have clocked you one. Because the man was also a hero.

The amazing thing about Humphrey Bogart was, he was probably uglier than all the guys at the new style Joe and Juice yet still managed to make you feel genetically inferior. His was an ugliness that emanated gravitas.

He was morose, taciturn, and probably would have shot you if you used the words rad or bro in his presence.

Just a few years ago I would have said they don’t make men like that anymore, only boys, but I visited Joe and the Juice yesterday and must tearfully report — they ain’t making the boys anymore either!