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4 months ago
2
Hi, this is your friend and mine, me, Agent 77, here to make another comprehensive list covering a complicated ranking of various vastly different things in order to determine relative quality levels.
Why have I been chosen to make this list instead of Agent 99 who, seen from some shallow level, might seem to be the better choice for a list ranking time travel stories.
Well first off I can do one thing that he can’t — ok I lied I can do lots of things he can’t but one of those things is deliver an article on time. You’d think delivering an article on time is the one thing you can count on a time traveler to do correctly but sadly you’d be mistaken. In fact this article only came about because that loser had committed to an article about testing and maintenance of time travel machines and he has not delivered and as a consequence Agent 86 came crying to me and asked me if I could write something on time travel.
Since I’m currently trying to get ready for a party I’m holding and as a listicle is the quickest thing to write in a case like this I have decided to write a quick listing of our Time travel stories.
For ranking I will taking some pointers from the recent articles on ranking acts in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
In this selection of articles it was noted
it is just extremely unlikely that the ordering of importance of 240 artists should ever result in a direct linear 1 by 1 ranking, some spots will be shared by multiple artists.
The same factor holds for ranking time travel stories, so we will rank stories together. the rankings will also not be using anything as mundane as the old fashioned numerical ordering scheme that many people in our present day world are fans of, but rather the ancient Illuminati Ganga Premisian alphabet will be used as the character set is 4 dimensional and any sentence can be read the same backwards and forwards in time.
That said — Let The Rankings Begin:
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Pro-tip for anyone what needs one — the benefits of a good tachyon streaming notes app allows you to send your to do list as far back as feasible.
This is what allowed us to stockpile fresh produce and get to a secure location weeks before the asteroid hit! Of course most of the rest of humanity died, but it was a small price to pay for the large stores schemial ore we were able to collect, and make our way to this reality via hastily constructed portals.
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The Story of Xree Multiple — published in the old Illuminati Ganga newletter
◈⬤🟢⬤◈ — 1967
Xree Multiple knew he would die today and be reborn yesterday, although the technology of time-travel based resurrection was beyond his clone mentality he very much was into the doing of it. He would need to carry some things in his own, he put the twin fish socks in the sock bag, the grilled partonomic nomynim generator in his genes, and the superfluid jet in his jetpack. Now he was god to do.
Xree Multiple did.
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Two money-making ideas from Agent 99 ranking at the same time in our listicle— some of the ways he is using time travel to rake in the big bucks and develop situational control in significant parts of the history!
You know I give this guy a lot of shit, basically because all the things I dislike about him are things I see in myself, but one thing I have got to give him credit for — that guy knows how to make money!
Anyway, the next best thing to making money is saving it so as an executive party-planning decision the liquid refreshments for tonight will be cheap beer and Jarritos if you prefer caffeine to alcohol.
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Time Traveling IG Agent 1101 “Burt Lancaster” for last trip goes to 1894, where he died of a heart attack. We of course transported and delivered him back to more modern times to avoid any lasting anomalies, but for those the in the know we published his ‘real’ date of death. Found by IG Agent 27 when she was doing some research on Google Books
A bit of alternate history — a world in which the seat of emotion was never moved to the heart by philosophers and poets conspiring together but remained unto our present era at the traditional liver.
In this world the Shadow would know what evils lurks in the livers of men!
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Three stories — one a book of wonderful love letters between Agent 99 and the love of his life, Meritaten, a princess of ancient Egypt ((14th century BC), most notable for having been written in hieroglyphics. Agent 99 of course is always going on about how he can actually write hieroglyphics, yeah with the ‘help’ of a machine learning library trained on an corpus of Entering Upon The Day texts — more colloquially known as The Books of The Dead.
The Cattle Raid before the annual I.G corporate cookout. Organized by yours truly, I got together a team of other I.G Agents past and present including
IG Agent 150 — Cú Chulainn
IG AGent 39 — Mina Loy
Myself, and IG Agent 19, and as well a tagging along slightly drunk L. Sprague De Camp who of course was not officially ever an agent of Illuminati Ganga.
We raided food factories
bringing back enough food to feed all Agents and their plus ones, and to keep the San Francisco offices of Illuminati Ganga well stocked with food for half a year! We brought back 20 baskets of corn (maize), 10 baskets of assorted vegetables (tomatoes, asparagus, lettuce, etc.) 3 full grown bulls, 25 full grown pigs, 3 lambs.
This whole escapade makes Agent 99’s raid on The Boston Tea Party to loot quality tea just look sick
Speaking of eating — this being a party I’ve decided to put out a large red bowl of sour cream and onion potato chips and a large blue bowl of salt and vinegar chips, and I guess I will make some Chili rubbed Turkey, it’s good to have something spicy to get people drinking.
The Tunguska Event — when this event first happened and we realized it was due to unauthorized Illuminati Ganga temporal experiments there was some rush to cover it up:
IG Agent 12, thinking quickly suggested my favorite scapegoat of all time! Specifically — COSSACK ALIENS!!!
Unfortunately a story blaming it all on a meteor strike that somehow managed to blow up the meteor just before hitting and leaving absolutely no crater was the story that was finally decided on and the world became a little less interesting of a place.
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Although these two articles are technically critical writings by me and IG Agent 19 working together, and although they are sort of not my typical style I like to point to them because they make some very good points relevant to time travel as a whole, by focusing on one of the movies least like other time travel movies ever made
The second article had to correct some critically poor handling of the subject matter from Metafilter’s fanfare site
and
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Another two stories — Notes from when Dutch Schultz was assassinated and he made mental contact with the Ayhua
A psychic entity living in the Amazonian jungles, as detailed in the collection of Illuminati Ganga stories — The Vaults of Fug (affiliate link below)
This book also delves somewhat into the disturbing world of the Fug family, many of whom have been agents of Illuminati Ganga over the family’s existence, and whose financial largesse finances many of Illuminati Ganga’s operations in the Western United States.
The Poor Man’s Time Machine — an article by IG Agent 99 — that was nearly destroyed (along with the world) when Agent 99’s precarious actions unleashed a Thomkorlian cascade
This article is only the preserved remnants although it does have a link to the whole restoration project at
So, another fine listicle delivered on time even though I have a movie party to prepare for — tonight, we are watching the holiday classic Bartholomew! About a Football playing Turkey. The Gang should be showing up in about another 20 minutes, maybe I’ll listen to some tunes to relax first.
