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4 months ago
10
Published on 7th June, 2025
Years ago, an old school friend invited me to a Sunday BBQ. There would be a lot of people there I didn't know. That made me nervous. I was bad at meeting new people and I knew how this BBQ would go. I would start a few awkward conversations, I'd feel uncomfortable and leave early.
I was tired of it. I wanted to have fun and make friends. So, I decided to do something about it. I searched how to meet people. Every website had similar advice:
- Don't talk about yourself.
- Focus on them, not you.
- Be curious — ask questions.
- Listen more, talk less.
It's funny looking back. Whenever I had a problem with school work or at my job, I looked for a solution. I always struggled socially but never thought to do the same thing. I always defaulted to whatever learned behaviour I obtained growing up and didn't look for a better way.
When I got to the BBQ, I felt confident. Unlike past social events, this time I was prepared. I knew what to do. Soon I was introduced to a friend's new girlfriend. Instead of blurting out whatever came to mind, I followed the advice and started asking questions:
- “Where are was from?“
- “Where do you live?”
- “What do you do for work?”
Sometimes she tried to change the focus to me, asking “... and what do you do?” I gave a short answer and quickly turned the focus back to her, “I'm an engineer, but your job sounds way more interesting. How long have you been doing that for?” After five minutes, she was looking for an exit — and so was I. It wasn't just awkward — it was exhausting. It felt like I was interviewing her. By the end, I knew a lot about her, but I didn't feel any closer to her. I felt no motivation to talk to her again or anyone else. So, as usual, I went home early.
Years later, I stumbled across a youtube video — an author was being interviewed about his latest book on friendship. He said four words that hit me like a brick — be generous with disclosure. It took me straight back to that BBQ and revealed where I had gone wrong.
The foundation of social connection is shared reality. The thing that makes two people want to be best-friends, instead of acquaintances, is knowing they have the same inner-experience of the world. Do you think and feel about the world the same way as I do. Do we think the same things are funny, scary or interesting. When two people 'click', it's when they discover they have a shared reality.
When you talk to someone and keep the focus on them, you prevent them learning anything about you. Preventing potentially discovering a shared reality. On the other hand, if you're generous with disclosure. If you freely offer how you think and feel about things, you create the opportunity to make a friend.
