Imports Fraud is my Love Language

My homeboy Doug is having a baby. He’s, like, 38, and is somehow the first of our cohort to have a baby, because I guess middle class white people breed late.

Doug was really into the idea of a “Baby Box”, the Finnish maternity amenity. Do you know about it? The schtick is, uhhh

The Finnish baby box is a maternity package given to new parents by the Finnish government that includes a variety of baby essentials like clothes, diapers, and a mattress. The box itself is designed to function as a safe first crib for the baby and was introduced in the 1930s to help reduce a high infant mortality rate by providing a safe sleeping space and necessary supplies to all children, regardless of their socioeconomic background.

This, but it comes with a bunch of clothes in it, not a baby

Doug really wanted one. This is how I discovered that, in America, there was a colossal lawsuit from Big Bedding to get this cardboard classified not as a crib but rather as a Bespoke Child Suffocation Apparatus: in 2021 the USCPSG ruled that “baby boxes” were an unsafe form of bassinet and criminalized them.

This is a shame, but, my friend is having a baby. I’m not gonna NOT get this motherfucker the box. I routinely commit way more actual crimes for way dumber reasons.

For legal reasons this is a joke

So, I just needed to look up where Finnish Baby Boxes were sold. Easy! One quick google!

After several actual hours of googling, I was feeling pretty fucking Don’t Tread On Me about the government telling me I wasn’t allowed to buy a cardboard box. The only boxes still available were now specifically NOT BABY SIZED, containing overpriced designer clothing. I don’t give a shit if the kid is swaddled in Calvin Klein, the point of the Baby Box is that it’s a one size fits all field kit for everything you need to keep a baby alive for a bit. It doesn’t have to be glamorous; bringing one of these to a baby shower should be like gifting an MRE.

In fairness, the kid has drip

So. Ebay? Amazon? Etsy? Craigslist? No, get fucked.

So eventually I activate the Try Harder and use my secret dangerous forbidden technique; I look at Page Two of google results.

And eventually, I find a box! It’s on, like, the sketchy Malaysian version of Mamaway Baby Supplies. Great, I’ll just put that in my cart and —

If you show up with an American IP, the site tells you to fuck off and give up.

No problem, I have a Very Prime Notion for how I might get around that. I’m a Very Paranoid Nerd and this is not the first time I’ve found a Veiled Passage Necessary. Nothin but us Malaysian citizens here, sir.

Great, good, and I’ll just put that into my cart and—

Oh, registration? With a phone number? I guess.

Ah, no American numbers allowed. I see. The only numbers they allow are Singapore and Malaysia.

Well shucks. Guess Doug doesn’t get to be happy. Guess baby-Christmas is spoiled this year.

There actually exist free online websites connected to SMS numbers, at which you may receive verification codes.

Motherfucker did you think I was going to stop?

I put the baby box listing into my cart. I message the vendor. She seems nice.

I tell her, “hey, I travel internationally sometimes—”

(this sentence is true because I find it a fun crime trickshot to only speak truth)

“so, could I pay you more to ship the box internationally?”

She says sure.

And that’s how I ended up spending two hundred dollars and technically committing a crime in order to buy a cardboard fucking box.

Beats me why most people don’t actually love their friends.