Matchctl: The First Dating App for Linux Users

1 month ago 2

⚠️ Disclaimer
This post is a satire. It is entirely a work of humor and parody.
Any resemblance to real software, platforms, people (alive, dead, or emotionally sandboxed), projects, distributions, or systemd maintainers is purely coincidental.

If you found this post while trying to actually install a dating app via the terminal, please step away from the keyboard and talk to a human. Preferably outside. In sunlight.

Finally, a way to get rejected by people who also haven't showered since that last kernel rebuild.

If you're like most Linux users, you’ve tried everything to find love:

Recompiling your heart with different optimization flags. Trying to pipe romance into xargs. Creating an Ansible playbook titled deploy_girlfriend.yml.

But nothing works, because let's face it:

You're not emotionally available. You're just really, really into Gentoo.

So we built matchctl, the terminal-based dating app that lets you connect with other emotionally unavailable sysadmins, tinkerers, graybeards, and Fedora users who think “commitment” is a Git action.

Getting Started: No GUI, No Dignity

Install like the hardened sysadmin you are:

curl -L matchctl.sh | sudo bash

Then:

sudo systemctl start love.target

If that fails, check for lingering instances of:

ex_girlfriend.target emotional_wounds.service x11-crash-loop.service

Then reboot.

Not the system — your soul.

Profile Configuration: /etc/matchctl.conf

Set up your preferences in plain-text because JSON is for cowards.

Sample:

[shell] preferred = zsh compatibility = fish users okay if cute [bootloader] grub = no systemd-boot = yes flexibility = only in relationships [dealbreakers] snap = true dualbooting_windows = true uses_wordpress = hard no

Use matchctl test-config to see if you’re ready.
If not, you’ll get:

Error: You are not ready for love. Hint: sudo touch grass

Version 1.6.9 "Hard Mount" Release Notes

Added support for compiling your own emotions
--dry-run now supported for commitment-phobes
Swiping replaced with Vim-style movement: hjkl
:wq now means “send message and cry”
ESC to ghost someone immediately

Communication Features

Messages encrypted with GPG. Keys are auto-revoked if you reply with “k.”
Consent-aware SSH sessions. Only proceed if both partners type yes, I know what I'm doing.
Support for asynchronous romance using tmux over long-distance screen sessions.

All chats go through:

Because we believe in open ports, open hearts.

Premium Mode Includes:

Access to /dev/date: The hot singles device node.
--no-strings-attached mode: Experimental. Often results in segmentation faults.
Read receipts implemented via D-Bus (delayed, broken, and mysterious).
Partner validation: Runs lint on their dotfiles before any emotional investment.
Explicit Mode: Unlocks the /booty partition and adds support for unsafe syscalls.

Compatibility Algorithm: Science, But Stupid

We don’t use astrology. We use:

Desktop environment entropy
Dotfile line count
Whether you use tabs or spaces in crontab
Number of pacman -Syu executions per week
If your CPU has hardware acceleration for disappointment

We once matched two Debian Stable users. It took them four years to say hi, but when they did, it was LTS.

#x11daddy
#mount_me_hard
#systemdown
#polybarbutmonogamous
#vim_in_the_streets_emacs_in_the_sheets
#realtek_survivor
#dwm4d
#bind9inpublic

Common Error Messages

error: love.target failed to start reason: unresolved dependencies (emotional_stability, ability_to_communicate) warning: matched user is running systemd proceed anyway? [Y/n] fatal: relationship conflict in HEAD attempting automatic merge... failed. panic: attempted to access /dev/affection but permissions denied matchctl[1542]: user declared “I’m fine” but logs indicate ongoing meltdown

User Testimonials (Real, Probably)

“We connected over our mutual hatred of Snap packages. Now we’re engaged and still hate Snap.”
— libreboot_my_heart

“He piped my ASCII art straight into his heart. We rsynced everything after that.”
— eject_me_gently

“We ghosted each other over D-Bus. It was poetic.”
— nohup_luv &

“My date ran Arch. I ran to the hills.”
— gentoo4life

matchctl vs Other Dating Apps

Feature Tinder Bumble matchctl

Runs in terminal	No	No	Yes
Encrypted messages	No	Yes	Of course
Shows Neofetch on profile	No	No	Mandatory
Segfaults emotionally	Rarely	Occasionally	Constantly
Uses XDG-compliant config	lolno	what's that?	Hell yeah
GUI	Yes	Yes	No. GUI is sin
Relationship stability	Medium	Low	Depends on kernel

Sandboxing: Safe, Secure, Emotionally Unavailable

Every matchctl session runs in a secure container:

AppArmor enforced
Flatpak isolated
Emotions jailed in their own cgroup

No side effects. No shared /feels. Just raw, stateless intimacy.

matchctl --sandboxed --no-touching

Love is complicated. That’s why matchctl relationships run in containers:

Docker-managed boundaries
Immutable snapshots of failed attempts
Easily discarded when it doesn’t work out

Sample container:

FROM voidlinux:latest RUN xbps-install -Sy trust humor patience CMD ["/bin/sed", "-e", "s/lonely/loved/g"]

Bind-mounting /empathy is opt-in. Use with caution.

Flatpak, Snap, and the Death of Intimacy

Snap-based relationships are slow to start and hard to remove.
You think it’s real, but it’s just another loop-mounted mistake.

Flatpak isolates everything.
You want to touch their soul, but D-Bus says no.

Relationship Isolation Modes

Flag Effect

--shared-namespace	You share secrets, dotfiles, and your Spotify plan
--private-tmp	Nothing personal gets saved after each encounter
--immutable	You are emotionally read-only
--no-new-privs	No learning, no growth, just vibes
--chrooted	You pretend others don’t exist. Feels safer
--cap-add=affection	Enables snuggling via API

DevOps Romance

Love is CI/CD.

Define your partner in YAML.
Test compatibility.
Deploy on Sunday. Roll back on Monday.

pipeline: - stage: "init" script: "matchctl --start" - stage: "date" script: "./scripts/talk_about_feelings.sh" - stage: "crisis" script: "rm -rf /trust" - stage: "recovery" script: "./scripts/cope.sh"

The Heart Is a Filesystem

You’ve mounted your fears.
You chmod 400 your hopes.
You’ve fsck’d your life.

And still, no one reads your logs.

Cloud-Native Love

Deploy dates in Kubernetes:

Configure ingress to your heart
Bind PVCs for emotional storage
Scale affection horizontally

But remember:
terraform destroy --auto-approve
is harder to reverse than it looks.

You’re Not Just Lonely. You’re Fully Virtualized

You don’t live on the host anymore.
You’re a QEMU VM pretending to be real.
You scream into virtio-sound, hoping someone hears.
You PXE boot romance just to feel in control again.
You are emotionally UEFI secure-boot locked.

69 Bonus CLI Flags

matchctl --quiet-desperation matchctl --tmpfs=/feelings matchctl --pretend-you’re-okay matchctl --force-mount /dev/empathy matchctl --prefer-vim-in-the-bedroom matchctl --sandboxed --consent-mode=strict matchctl --dry-run --then-cry matchctl --init=/usr/bin/lonelinessd matchctl --fork-me-senpai matchctl --chmod +x your_smile matchctl --mount --bind /trust /us

man matchctl(1)

NAME matchctl - Emotionally modular, TTY-compatible matchmaking system SYNOPSIS matchctl [OPTIONS] OPTIONS --init Initialize feelings --start Begin dating (requires running dependencies) --rollback Undo most recent heartbreak --sandboxed Run love in a container (no shared state) --poly Enable multi-user access (requires --honesty) --timeout=60s If no reply in 60 seconds, cry softly --reboot Start over --no-snap Filter Snap users --rm Delete all evidence --dry-run Emotionally simulate compatibility --force It’s not consent --with-dependencies Will bring baggage FILES ~/.matchctl.conf User preferences /var/log/love.log Pain /etc/avoid.list Blocked exes

Final Thoughts

Let’s be clear:

You will not find love with matchctl.
You will not leave your terminal.
You will not stop talking about your window manager.

But for one brief, shimmering moment, you’ll be able to type:

…and pretend, just for a second, that /dev/hope is writable again.

Install Today

git clone https://github.com/matchctl/matchctl.git && cd matchctl && make love

Because Tinder doesn’t even support --no-gui.

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