RFK Jr. Says He's Not Anti-Vax, Just Pro-Virus Rights

RFK Jr. Says He’s Not Anti-Vax, Just Pro-Virus Rights

HHS secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. clarified his controversial health stance on Friday, telling reporters that he is not “anti-vaccine” but simply “a strong advocate for the rights of viruses to self-determine their destinies.”

“People misunderstand me,” said Kennedy. “I believe in bodily autonomy — including for the bodies of viruses. Who are we to decide if a rhinovirus doesn’t deserve a chance at a full immune system tour?”

Speaking from a Whole Foods parking lot, Kennedy explained that he sees viruses as “underrated members of the microbiological ecosystem” and likened the immune response to “toxic cancel culture.”

“It’s not ‘infection’ — it’s viral expression”

Kennedy, who has long drawn criticism for his anti-vaccine rhetoric, said the conversation needs to evolve.

“We’ve been demonizing viruses for centuries,” he said. “But smallpox had a family. Measles built communities. COVID just wanted to network.”

He then handed out bumper stickers reading “Pathogens Are People Too” and invited followers to attend his upcoming “Immune System Accountability Rally.”

Medical community: “This is not how immunity works”

Doctors across the country responded with exhausted head-shaking and quiet weeping.

“I didn’t spend 12 years in medical school for this,” said Dr. Melissa Kwon, an infectious disease specialist. “I once removed a tick from a man who thought it was his spiritual guide, and this is somehow worse.”

The American Medical Association issued a statement calling Kennedy’s remarks “categorically unhinged” and gently reminded the public that viruses, quote, “do not have rights, desires, or constitutional standing.”

RFK Jr. expands platform: parasites, bacteria, and “misunderstood mold”

The candidate also announced new initiatives to support underrepresented microorganisms, including:

• Tax breaks for probiotic yogurt

• Safe zones for airborne spores

• A federal pardon for moldy bread

“Penicillin didn’t ask to be discovered,” Kennedy added. “Let’s stop colonizing fungi with Big Pharma’s greed.”

He later promised, if elected, to create a Department of Microscopic Freedom headed by Gwyneth Paltrow and two Instagram wellness coaches.

Polls show RFK Jr. leading in households that own unlicensed crystals

Recent polls show a 12-point surge for Kennedy among likely voters who use the word “toxins” unironically and believe drinking kale juice at sunrise will reverse mercury retrograde.

His supporters say they appreciate his “outsider thinking” and “bold commitment to microbial liberation.”

“I’m not voting for a man,” said one fan. “I’m voting for a movement. And maybe the movement that lives in my cousin’s kombucha.”