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4 months ago
3
Several years ago, I sat for my JAMB exam, a national test in Nigeria that determines eligibility for higher education. Your JAMB score dictates the course you can pursue, with competitive fields like Pharmacy requiring higher marks. Years ago, before I wrote my JAMB exam, I was anxious on if I'd perform well enough to get Pharmacy. When I was in my final year in Secondary School, Pharmacy was all I wanted. I didn't want to be a Doctor, I didn't want to be an Engineer, I didn't want any of that, I wanted to be a Pharmacist. I wanted Pharmacy so much that in my JAMB form, in the spaces were we were required to input our second and third choices, I was lost on what to put because I wanted nothing else but Pharmacy.
Then, I wrote my JAMB exam, and I passed. I’ll never forget that day in November when the admission list was released. I remember the exact place I was sitting. I got up and I ran. I ran to share the good news. I still remember that day - it remains one of the happiest days of my life.
But as I researched Pharmacy school and heard about its challenges, new anxieties crept in. I didn't know if I was good enough to go through Pharmacy school. Each new level brought its own set of anxieties, and, in the end, I made it to the end and completed the program.
I remember my final days in school after it had been confirmed that I was on the induction list. I remember that night when Louis, Garvey, and I left our house to Wali's bar to charge our phones. Louis asked about my internship plans. We had finished Pharmacy school, and now he was asking me about my Internship plans because that was what came next for us. Internship placements are notoriously competitive due to limited approved centers and high demand. I admitted I was unsure, anxious about securing a spot. Then I got my Internship. Now, I am almost done with my Internship. Literally counting days until the year wraps up for me, and, here again, I am anxious again about what comes next for me.
Today at work in the Antiretroviral Pharmacy Unit, my colleague Siki mentioned the difficulty of securing a desired NYSC posting due to fierce competition.
I asked her - "It never ends, right?"
She responded - "No, it doesn't"
There's always something else in front of you. It is exhausting. After NYSC, people are going to start asking when you plan to get married? Then when you get married, when are you going to have a child? Then, after having a child, what school are you going to send them to? Then, while all that is going on, people are going to ask you when are you going to do this and do that, and get that and get this. Where would you like to work? When are you going to do this? When are you going to do that? Are you going to leave the country in search of better opportunities? Are you going to stay? Are you going to get a Masters degree?
"It never ends, does it?"
"No, it doesn't"
I didn't sign up for this. I didn't ask for any of this. Am I really going to go through life chasing something else after achieving what I previously wanted? Am I really going to go through life feeling anxiety over hitherto unachieved goals? Is this really what life is about until the day you die? Always chasing something new?
I went to work today, and I was in the Accident and Emergency Pharmacy when a man walked in and started talking about how he just saw a family of a woman he knew at the hospital. He was telling us how rich that woman was. She had really successful businesses in the city, and apparently she had suffered a stroke because her blood pressure had risen too high. All the money in the world didn't prevent her stroke. I suppose she was too busy chasing the next big thrill.
Human wants are insatiable, yes, and we always want more, but how many of us actually just stop to enjoy our achievements, regardless of how small they might seem to someone else, or even to us? I’ve always wondered about businesses that operate on weekends and holidays—what time do the people running those businesses use to enjoy their earned money? Are you just going to keep working until you die? saving your money for rainy days instead of actually enjoying life?
"It never ends, does it?"
"No, it doesn't"
I am anxious because I feel like I am running out of time to achieve certain goals. I am anxious because I know I am not where I want to be in my life. But, even if I achieve these things I want, will I remember that they were all I ever wanted, or will my anxiety now be induced by new things in front of me? Will I know when to stop and just enjoy the moment?
Today, I just want to enjoy the moment.
Cast your mind to when you were a child and think about all the things you always wanted and ended up having. Picture a building constructed from your achievements, each goal you accomplished since you were a child added a new floor. Imagine all those achievements of yours have resulted in a big building made just for you. Now the building is a few stories tall. Imagine yourself standing on a balcony of that building with a view overlooking all your previous achievements. It is night time and the stars are clear in the sky. I am imagining myself right now on that balcony. And you know what? Tonight I just want to kickback and just enjoy the view.
I mean, look at this shit can you fucking believe this? I was admitted to study Pharmacy, a field many aspire to but few enter. I navigated the grueling years of Pharmacy school, passing exams I feared I might fail after sleepless nights of study, can you fucking believe this? I remember leaving certain exams wondering if I did enough to pass, and pass the exams I did. Can you fucking believe this shit? I mean, look at this view! I got my internship at the exact hospital I wanted to get it at, and now i am almost done with my internship and i am already starting to accept that i would miss and cherish my memories made there, because for all the shortcomings, the hospital has been really good to me, I mean, internship is hard to get and i got it, can you believe this shit? look at this fucking view! Just last year, I told my friend Michael I doubted I could break into the tech field, yet I’ve since landed small gigs—people trusting me with their projects. Yes those gigs were small and I want something bigger, but compared to where I was two years ago, they’re monumental, can you believe this shit!
If the previous paragraph comes across as boastful to you, I fear you might have missed the point. We spend so much time worrying about what comes next, we forget the things we already have despite previously being anxious about not having them. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow or the day after feeling anxious about my future again, I know this, but, it would help if I can remember and appreciate the things I already have and the amazing people I have met in the journey through life. Yea, tomorrow I might be anxious again, but tonight, man, tonight, I just want to stay here, and just enjoy this view.
