SCOTUS Releases Ethics Code Consisting of One Page That Says "Try Your Best"

SCOTUS Releases Long-Awaited Ethics Code Consisting of One Page That Says “Try Your Best”

After months of public pressure, media scrutiny, and suspiciously quiet yacht vacations, the Supreme Court of the United States has finally released a formal code of ethics. The historic document, which legal scholars have called “incredibly short and weirdly laminated,” consists of a single page with bold, cursive lettering that reads simply: “Try Your Best.”

The document, signed in permanent marker by all nine justices, includes a glitter star sticker and a sticky note that says, “We meant it.”

“It’s a living document. Like a vibe.”

Chief Justice John Roberts held a brief press conference in front of the Court’s marble steps, waving the laminated sheet overhead like a substitute teacher announcing a pop quiz. “This ethics code reflects the solemn dignity of our institution,” Roberts said. “It is intentionally vague, like the Constitution and my feelings.”

He added, “We consulted with moral philosophers, legal experts, and a youth soccer coach. The consensus was: just try your best and, you know, be chill about it.”

The Court emphasized that this document replaces all previous informal standards, which were mostly based on “gut feelings” and “Clarence’s vibes.”

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Reactions to the document have been mixed. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D–RI) described the code as “deeply unserious,” while Senator Ted Cruz (R–TX) called it “a model of restraint and also a little inspiring.”

Legal analysts noted that the document includes no enforcement mechanism, unless you count “peer pressure and the haunting stare of the Founders’ portraits.”

“Technically,” said Court spokesperson Lyle Rumph, “it doesn’t prohibit luxury gifts, hidden income, or political speeches from a hot tub. But it does encourage everyone to feel a little bad about it afterward.”

A closer look at the full text:

THE CODE OF ETHICS FOR THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT
(Effective Immediately, or Whenever)

• Try your best.

• Don’t be sketchy unless absolutely necessary.

• If someone gives you a yacht, say thank you quietly.

• Recuse if you want to. No pressure.

• If you mess up, just pretend you were joking.

Signed,
— The Nine

Justice Amy Coney Barrett reportedly brought a bedazzler to the signing and said she “just wanted to make it pop.”

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Sources close to the Court say an earlier draft of the ethics code was slightly more ambitious and included guidelines like “don’t accept bribes” and “try not to date major donors,” but was ultimately scrapped for “being kind of a bummer.”

Justice Kavanaugh reportedly objected to the earlier version, saying, “I just feel like we’re really good at following our hearts already.”

The future of judicial ethics

Despite criticism, the Court insists the code is binding — at least spiritually.

“Look,” said Roberts, “we are the highest court in the land. We don’t need rules. We need vibes. And these are Supreme vibes.”

As the press conference concluded, the Chief Justice handed out mini-muffins and copies of Oh, the Places You’ll Go! before climbing into a waiting Escalade filled with novelty gavels and dry cleaning.

ANN will continue to monitor the Court’s ethics policy, which next year may include a sticker chart and monthly pizza parties.