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3 months ago
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Agents of Illuminati Ganga are men, all men, even the ladies — especially the ladies! They are macho! You don’t wanna get in our way.
But sometimes the assembled nations of the world attempt to do so, to their eternal dismay.
And then our enemies cackle and rub their spindly fists together in glee at our imminent downfall, unaware that Illuminati Ganga shall overcome every obstacle, obfuscate ever clarity, surmount every unmounted sir and otherwise make things chaotic and not nice for anyone that dares mess with us, the imperial WE of Illuminati Ganga.
And people send us snivelly falsely concerned notes at setbacks, such as recently when it looked like the ISA (Intelligent Speed Assistant) regulations from the EU might end up negatively affecting the sales of our Shoot-First, Verify later car, colloquially known as “Automated Drive-by”
The ISA is an initiative by the EU to make sure that people drive as safely as possible when running other people over
To do this the ISA will give you a message that your speed is dangerous as you first ram into your target, and decrease the speed of your vehicle gradually for you as you continue over them.
This has the totally unintended, and unanticipated, effect (by our Killgeneers) of killing the victim not swiftly via sudden impact, but rather more slowly and painfully by gradually crushing them beneath the wheels of your fine Illuminati Ganga manufactured vehicle!
When Agent 81, the Director of Illuminati Ganga American West Regional Headquarters saw this, she gleefully announced “We can increase prices!”, at first we thought we could only increase prices in Europe but we found that we could increase prices by 25% in Europe (all over), 35% in Germany and some bordering nations (due to well-known sadism fetishes), and 50% in the U.S because we would be selling our cars with that fancy schmancy EU tech disabled!
No right thinking American wants to be told how to kill people by an European bureaucrat!
And so Illuminati Ganga just wants to give a big shout out to our employees in the EU government for a job well done, your bonuses are in the mail and nobody will be running you over slowly, painfully, and tortuously — at least as long as you stay in line!
This article was written by IG Agent 6, who is reputedly sane.
Agent 6 is also the main author of the Illuminati Ganga issued book , The Vaults of Fug (affiliate link below)
