The Let Them Theory

“ I decline to write the subtitle of this one based, because it's purely bragging. ”

by Mel Robbins

• Goodreads
• Rating: 4 / 5

I enjoyed that book because it presents a good framework to “let go”. It goes pretty deep into the principle and its applications, and is relatively action oriented. It’s a bit repetitive, but still worth a read. Also it’s called “let them theory”, but really it’s a principle, not a theory. Needed to be said.

The first of the 7 habits was personal responsibility: you are the only one who can make things happen for yourself, you are responsible for yourself. “Let them” is its reciprocal principle: you are not responsible for, neither can you change, others.

It is less cold than it sounds: it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help or care for others, but simply that you can’t control them, or control their emotions. So “let them”. Instead focus on what you can control: yourself: “let me”.

The book is a declination of the idea on several aspects:

1. You can’t control what others will think of you, or do to you. Instead, take action and be the change you want to be.
2. You can’t control other’s emotions, and they (and you) are entitled to have emotions. Don’t do things because it will make others happy, do them because it makes you happy. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things you don’t feel like doing: you do bothering things because they make you feel like a good child, or like a good citizen, or a good friend, etc. Don’t avoid confrontation because you fear of other’s emotions, instead let them have these emotions.
3. You can’t control your own emotions, so let them happen, and focus on how you react to them. Don’t be controlled by your emotions, instead let “me” react appropriately about it. Be mature about them. Wait 90 seconds, let it go through you. Try to recognize them: “Oh, I’m angry, ok. Let’s wait it out”. Then act on these: if your angry, what makes you angry, what can you do about it. Sometimes you can’t do anything about it.
4. Jealousy is a signal for what you desire. Let people be successful (“lead the way”), and your jealousy guide you towards action.
5. Friends come and go, if they drift away or exclude you or don’t call you back, let them. Instead, “let me” be approachable and warm and do the first step to make new, better friendships. Mixed signals aren’t mixed at all, they’re very clear. People are friends because of proximity, timing and energy. If they drift away, ask yourself if one thing changed.
6. You can’t force people to like you or to become your friend. Let them show you their personality. Let me find better friends. (same goes for dating).
7. You can’t change people, you must let them be themselves. You can inspire them, you can share what you’d like, but you can’t force them into change. Forcing change only introduces resistance to change.
8. People need to address their own struggle themselves (addiction, anxiety, depression, job loss, …). Avoidance is a coping strategy that prevents people from moving on. Enablement is what others do to allow avoidance. When you enable people, you’re preventing them from moving on. Instead, be supportive, create an environment that helps them, and let them go through struggles themselves.
9. When something in your marriage becomes an issue, you need to address it together. Relations work when both people want it to work, and are ready to put in the work. Discuss problems with your partner, see if this is something they are willing to work on. If the problem cannot be surmounted, something needs to change: either it’s a deal breaker and you need to make a decision and let me, or it’s not and you need to shut up about it and let them.
10. When in heartbreak, your nervous system is still in habit of the other person. You need to let them go, and clean your habits from them. Avoid recontacting or seeing them for 30 days, change things in your life to get out of the habit.

it’s called “Let Them Theory”, but it ain’t a theory, it’s more of a principle. The main idea is you can’t control others’ actions and thoughts, so just “let them”. It’s slightly different from just “let go” because it’s more focused, actionable, recognizes that others are their own free agents.

Instead of trying to change others, “let me” is basically #habit-1 . Focus on what you can change, and do that.

If your boss sucks, let him, and do what you need to change jobs.

Recognize stress - that’s your lizard brain taking over, and then just take a big breath, and let them.

Leave space for others to react and express based on their context. Let them. But make the decisions that make you happy and proud. It doesn’t have to be selfish. But you don’t make the decision to make your mom happy. You make it to be a good daughter, and that makes you happy. Helps construct better relationships.

You can’t control your emotions. Emotions are just chemical bursts in your brain. So let them. What you can control is how you react. Let me. It usually takes 90 s for an emotion to dissipate if it’s not acted upon. Recognize the physical signs, then let it. Oh I’m angry. Ok. Emotional maturity is not pushing back on emotions but knowing how to deal with them.

You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions. When an adult acts like a 9y old you’re not responsible. Let them. You’re 100% responsible for kid’s emotions though, you must help them learn to cope with them

You must make the hard decisions. Fear of confrontation is fear of other’s emotions. But courage is not trapping others in bad decisions, even if it makes them sad, disappointed, angry.

See jealousy as people showing you the path. Let them be successful, it’s not a 0 sum game. Jealousy is a signal of underlying insatisfaction, listen to it and work towards it

relations

friendships

During childhood friendships are a team game. Everyone is close, having the same experience, spend lots of time together. It’s easy making friends. At the end of studies, everyone scatters and it becomes an individual game.

Three things create friendship

• physical proximity
• timing (closeness of experiences, are you in the same chapter of life)
• energy (might as well say magic - do you fit with the person)

It’s natural for friendships to slip away in life, when they move, when they change chapters, when their priorities change. Clinging to them is prone to give you great dissatisfaction. Let them. And let your friends be themselves, sometimes their real them prevent you from discovering your favourite people in life. Take account of how much energy you put in friendships, and whether something changed in the three criteria. The connections you created don’t break, it’s frequent that you can revive a friendship years after, if criterias are restored.

Make new friends, and for that, get out there. Go first. Take the initiative, walk to someone, open the discussion, be warm and approachable, etc. (let me)

Take an interest, pay a compliment, ask if what they’re having is good. Create the opportunities

propose something, get together, coffee…

And let them not have time, let them cancel plans, let them…

changing people

You can’t change people. Creating pressure isn’t working.

1. People want what is comfortable now. To change they must do what is painful now. You can’t make them want it now.
2. People want control. When you try to take control from them, they’ll resist.

So let them. Most people want to change. To actually do it, motivation must come from them. What can you do? “Let me”: let them and inspire them with your own behaviour.

If you see something working for someone else, you want the same.

ABC discussion to help people motivate to change:

• Apologize (5 whys for why it bothers you) and ask open-questions to seed motivation and doubt. “I’m sorry I put pressure on you, I see your health degrade and I fear of losing you so I dont take that rationally. I didn’t consider how it would make you feel.”
• Back-off. Leave 6 months for people to take action
• Celebrate any progress. You must make them feel like any action is positive.

struggle of others

Power is in the response. Support and encourage but don’t enable. Let people face their struggles. Avoidance is a coping mechanism. Act in a way that shows you believe in their capacity to overcome their problems.

Financial support must come at a condition. I’ll help you pay your rent as long as you’re sober. I’ll pay for your therapist sessions as long as you have a monthly check-in with me and him. If they don’t agree, let them face the struggle.

You also need the person to grieve or to cope, you can’t do the work for them, you can only introduce a supportive environment and let them know you’re here. Do the dishes, take them out, take their kids, etc.

love

When looking for a new relationship / dating, mixed signals is clear signals. If the other person doesn’t put energy in, that’s a signal, let them.

When you aren’t sure where something is going, put out the facts and let them react and give you the signals. “I’m at a point where I value my time and need to know if you see yourself move in with me.”

Relations tend to dwindle after sometime. Being in love with someone is not necessarily being compatible with them, and the 80% you love doesn’t mask the 20% you’d want to change. But you can’t change someone. You need to have the discussion, and see if the other person is ready to work on the problem with you.

For a relationship to work

• both need to want it to work
• both need to be ready to put in the work

If the issue doesn’t move, something needs to change. Either you chose it’s a deal breaker, or you dont. Either you leave, or you put the problem at bay. 69% of problems in relationships are unresolveable. If your partner is not ready to compromise, are you? Most of the time the problem becomes a deal breaker when the problem is a life defining one. Having kids, moving somewhere else, etc. It becomes a big problem if it requires for one person to give up on their dreams.

Most mariage that last went through dark times. Unicorns dont exist and you won’t find someone that fits the 20% you’re missing, everyone has baggage, it’s worth considering how to save what you have. But also you need the courage to admit what is right in front of you.

If you’re going through heartbreak, you must let the other person go. You need to unlearn all the habits you had with them, and for that you can’t keep communication with them. Remove pictures. Redecorate.

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These are my takes on this book. See other reading notes. Most of the time I stop taking notes on books I don't enjoy, and these end up not being in the list. This is why average ratings tend to be high.