The One-on-One Gift Exchange

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Introducing: The One-on-One Gift Exchange

The One-on-One Gift Exchange is a ritual that I introduce to all of my employees, students, and clients to help them establish a regular rhythm of giving and receiving 1:1 feedback with the teammates they collaborate with on a regular basis. There are co-founders who I introduced this ritual to over a decade ago that still practice it weekly to ensure a solid foundation for their partnership. When practiced regularly, the ritual can become the oxygen that fuels collaboration within your organization.

The innovation journey is hard on relationships. You should not expect the team experience to constantly be moving up and to the right. It will be a rollercoaster. Accepting that fact from the beginning, innovation leaders establish norms and rituals from the outset that prepare their team for when they inevitably hit the bottom of the roller coaster.

Establishing regular feedback rhythms between members of the team ensures they won't blow up. The time for feedback is not just when things are going poorly. Feedback is a muscle that needs to be regularly exercised in all conditions. If you are giving and receiving feedback on a regular basis, it ensures minor corrections that keep your team from going off course.

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Setting The Stage

Before you dive into the ritual itself, you need to set the context for practicing it.

First, pick the individuals with whom you want to establish a regular feedback rhythm. These are the teammates you collaborate with on a regular basis. They probably include your boss (if you have one), some peers, and your direct reports. You can't logistically do this with everybody, so pick the 3-5 relationships that you must make succeed.

Second, establish a regular rhythm in which you will conduct this ritual. A good target would be to practice this ritual every other week. For really important relationships like co-founders, you may consider doing this weekly. If you have many direct reports, monthly is acceptable — but never let the gap exceed a month.

Set the rhythm and calendar it. Once you get the hang of it, this ritual can be done in under 30 minutes. You might make it a recurring agenda item in your recurring 1:1s. However, I would highly suggest that feedback be the only item on the agenda on your feedback days. Too often people put it as the last item on the agenda and then it gets pushed. Feedback must be prioritized.

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The Process

When you are in the feedback session, here are the steps:

1) Set a timer for your session: This should take no longer than 30 minutes. I like to use a visual Time Timer so we have a shared ownership of the time.

2) Prepare the grid: Each person lays out 12 post-it notes in front of them in the following grid:

Using a Sharpie, write a plus sign in the upper right hand corner and your initials in the bottom right hand corner of three post-it notes. Write a delta (aka triangle) in the upper right hand corner and your initials in the bottom right hand corner of three post-it notes. Write a plus sign in the upper right hand corner and your feedback partner's initials in the bottom right hand corner of three post-it notes. Finally, write a delta in the upper right hand corner and your feedback partner's initials in the bottom right hand corner of three post-it notes. (See image above.)

• Write 3 "I like..." statements about yourself
• Write 3 "I wish..." statements about yourself
• Write 3 "I like..." statements about your feedback partner
• Write 3 "I wish..." statements about your feedback partner

5) Decide who will receive feedback first: Once both you and your partner have filled out their post-it notes, it's time to share. Pick who will receive feedback first. If there is a perceived hierarchy of power in the relationship (i.e. manager and direct report), it's important that the person with the most power go first. It's on them to set the tone of vulnerability.

6) Share your feedback in this particular order:

If you are the one receiving feedback first, it starts with your vocalizing your own feedback for yourself:

1. Share the 3 "I like..." statements about yourself
2. Share the 3 "I wish..." statements about yourself

When you're receiving feedback, you are only allowed to say two words:

5. Say "Thank you."
6. Then, switch roles and repeat the process.

7) Reflect on the ritual: Once you've done your first One-on-One Gift Exchange, reflect on how you feel after the ritual compared to before the ritual. It is very common to feel incredibly nervous and uncomfortable before doing this with a new person for the first time. It is a bi-directional act of vulnerability. We tell ourselves that it might damage the relationship. However, it is also incredibly common to feel much closer to the other person after the ritual and to begin to crave the next exchange.

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Why We Do It This Way

This ritual has a few highly intentional details that I want to highlight:

1) This is bi-directional. Notice that this is not just manager giving feedback to their direct report. This is manager self-reflecting on themselves in front of the direct report and then receiving feedback from the direct report. Then the direct report self-reflects on themselves in front of the manager and then receives feedback from the manager. As the manager, it is your responsibility to demonstrate vulnerability first. This methodology ensures that you do that. (As the owner of my company, I made it a point to do regular feedback with our summer college interns. Not only did I want to model vulnerability for the whole company, I also got really useful feedback from a fresh pair of eyes.)

2) The order matters. Before receiving feedback from another person, we verbalize our own self-reflections. This gives the feedback receiver a chance to demonstrate their own self-awareness. It also lowers the stakes for the feedback giver because they might be saying something the receiver already knows..

3) All categories are required. We intentionally have 3 "I likes..." and 3 "I wishes..." so that we are forced to reflect on and share both strengths and areas for improvement. By rule, you cannot skip any of these. Feedback givers tend to want to skip the "I wishes..." because it makes them uncomfortable. But I often see feedback receivers feel robbed if they aren't given the gifts of "I wishes...". In addition, feedback receivers tend to want to skip sharing positive reflections about themselves and only want to go to the areas for improvement. This grid provides a good counterforce to these tendencies.

4) The rule of only saying "thank you" is critical. Our goal here is not to hash out or debate the feedback. We are approaching this with the manta of "“Feedback is a gift — not a demand.” We want to ensure the free flow of information. Our jobs are to share what we've observed and to listen. It is up to the feedback receiver to decide what to implement and what to ignore. If we ignore this rule, we will get into a defensive mode that will shut down our listening and will send the message that it is not psychologically safe to given you feedback.

Don't reject your gifts. Just say "thank you."

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Your Challenge This Week

Practice The One-on-One Gift Exchange with someone you work closely:

• Share this post to set context
• Block 30 minutes together
• Prepare your 12 Post-its
• Share feedback in the intentional order
• Only say “thank you”
• Reflect on what changed
• Decide on a rhythm going forward
• Put it on the calendar

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Next Week

We've established a 1:1 ritual for giving and receiving feedback with 3-5 people we work closely with. But how do you feasibly establish a feedback ritual with a larger number of people? How do you do it at the group or team level?

Next week I'll introduce you to the group-level feedback ritual I deploy on a regular basis: The Team Gift Exchange

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