The Titanium Cranium Awards

by John Walker
Last update: February 2022

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Net nuts roasting on an open flame,
Wizards longing for the past,
Clueless newbies with their brains all abuzz,
Begging you to help MAKE.MONEY.FAST!!!!

One of the special joys of running a Web site like this is the E-mail you get. Unlike regular publishing, where the author is shielded by a print publisher, and a potential correspondent must actually put pen (or crayon, if not allowed anything sharp) to paper, address an envelope, lick a stamp, etc., on the Internet you're only one mailto: link away from any yo-yo who sees something on your site (or simply has it pop out of a Web search) and thinks you might possibly “be of help”. As the Web has continued to grow exponentially, its demographics have changed apace. In other words, there are a lot more clueless boneheads out there, and I seem to hear from between fifty and a hundred of them every day—back in June of 1995, only about one or two clinkers like those that follow landed in my in-box on a given day.

In keeping with the contemporary popular culture notion that outstanding achievement in anything, even stupidity, is worthy of recognition, the Titanium Cranium Awards™ were created to recognise E-mails that transcend the merely dumb and reveal truly breathtaking and unexplored depths of cluelessness, wrongheadedness, and intellectual laziness—these are people who panic when the power goes off and they're trapped on an escalator. Identities of the senders have been obscured, as have non-public originating sites. The frequent appearance of certain Internet Service Providers in what follows offers strong evidence that the prevailing image of their clientele is not entirely unfounded.

So, enjoy folks! It's a lot more fun to read this tiny selection from the great masses of messages meriting inclusion here than it is to open one's mailbox every day knowing another five or six dozen are waiting in the queue. I've deliberately not sorted these into categories or themes, so as to give a flavour for what one sees arrive in the real mailbox.

The misspellings, weird formatting, and odd capitalisation have been faithfully preserved as they were received. The occasional acerbic comment in italics like this was added by me solely for this document; I've found that the best response by far to mail like this is no reply at all—you do not want to invite a dialogue with these people.

Buckle your brain belt—here we go!

From [email protected] Fri Aug 25 04:50:23 1995 Subject: Commenting from file From: Subject: hello where am i.

I replied, “Looks like you're at the University of College.” This was in the early days, when I still replied.

From [email protected] Thu Aug 24 05:44:14 1995 Subject: Virus I was just wondering, is it possible to write a virus in qbasic? Thanks From clueless@aol.com Fri Oct 13 03:53:00 1995 Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 22:52:45 -0400 Subject: pictures Can someone please explain my screen does not dispay planet images and such? I have a Zenith notebook 486 with color screen. Am I missing some special software or something? Would appreciate some help. From [email protected] Mon Sep 25 06:43:21 1995 Subject: help on french X-Attachments: C:\CRAP\FRENCH.TXT; Hello, I am a high school senior with only three years of high school french and not much of a grasp of french. I have been searching for hours on the internet looking for some one to help me on a very short french story (about 200 words). I have had no success as of yet. I understand that you are a very busy man and I will understand entirely if you refuse but could you please look at the attached file and give me any suggestions or comments. Any help at all will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time, From [email protected] Sun Oct 15 13:53:24 1995 Subject: (no subject) TYGMFGJMHG,JF,MJJ

Ahhhh, typing with our elbows again, are we?

From [email protected] Sun Oct 22 07:48:58 1995 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: file:///???2%$WWW/ALTEC_WWW/ALTEC_Home.html BN}=,J

Note that the URL this individual is writing about is not on this site.

From [email protected] Mon Oct 23 19:10:04 1995 I want to find my way around the heavens.

First, concentrate on not walking into the bathroom door every time you get up at night. Next…

From [email protected] Sun Oct 22 04:42:47 1995 Subject: the engine Although I'm a bit busy with a few architecture projects, I might dig around in my files and come up with a suitable design, My research work led me from nuclear physics to astrophysics, I have a pretty good idea of what can be done in that arena. P.S. I'm not recognized by any science group, however, NORAD, does listen as is very thankful, the rest of the science communities think I'm nuts, and probably hate me for popping their overinflated theories. I'm kind of new to the INET, From [email protected] Fri Oct 20 19:49:44 1995 Subject: Review of Tipler's "Physics of Immortality" ... In any event, I'm interested in knowing your credentials and if you have any opinions on science and religion. ... From [email protected] Mon Oct 23 21:14:00 1995 Subject: FW: Speak Freely We were looking for a Voice Chat program we could use in our Windows 95 network when we found yours. The only problem is: we don't know anything about setting up our network as TCP/IP. Could you briefly describe where we need to make changes and what we need to do? ... From [email protected] Wed Oct 25 18:53:09 1995 Subject: Help !! I am ... trying to complete a MBA through an American university, and have hit a really big problem with two assignemnts I need to complete for my degree. I have been unable to obtain info here on the true understanding of the following questions. 1.discuss the effects of fiscal and monetary policy on financial markets and firms. 2. illustrate typical financial problems involved in financing growth and diversification. Do you know anyone who can help me, what I need is basically a few paras on each to help me. Ever our local university cannot come up with a concenus answe. If you cannot help can you put me in touvh with anyone who cam ? many thanks for listening From clueless@aol.com Thu Oct 26 00:58:50 1995 Subject: PICTURES? Hi, I need some pictures Science, and you guys have the article but do you have the pictures to go with it! Please write me back today, if not even now to confirm this! This information is needed to me today, so please could write me back today, or RIGHT NOW-right now would help me a lot, if you guys could! Sincerely, From clueless@aol.com Thu Oct 26 03:17:45 1995 Subject: hi yes, hello i'm a long macintosh user and they have this program at my school and i think it's the neatest thing since slice bread. My teacher says there a way to get it for mac[ I go to school at college www.college.edu thats where i got my idea] he says that it would work i have all requirments the microphone the speakers and frankly i've been on america online for quite some time to find it. And as soon as i find it, it won't work for mac. Please e-mail me back at this addressed prefablbe or [email protected]. please e-mail i really enjoy this program.... Sincerly, p.s. please e-mail me as soon as you read this. From [email protected] Fri Oct 27 04:58:54 1995 From: *Spirit Of Truth* WWW Page Subject: Grand Supercycle Crash At Hand? (fwd) To: ... ... ... GRAND SUPERCYCLE CRASH AT HAND? Are we facing a Mexican default, bogus Zhirinovsky coup and global war in the days and weeks ahead? In the wake of Tuesday's total solar eclipse, there are signs the *Grand Supercycle* crash is getting underway. First off, a financial panic appears to have started in Mexico. This panic might soon spread to the U.S. and throughout the world and involve an international financial collapse. Meanwhile, Russian President Boris Yeltsin reportedly suffered a heart attack today. This might be leading up to the bogus right-wing coup in Russia I have been warning about for years. ... ... ... ... ... ... From [email protected] Mon Oct 30 08:42:29 1995 Subject: Calcomp with Autocad. X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/autofile/www/chapter2_21.html Hi, I have some difficulties letting work my calcomp 84 plotter with Autocad. Can you give me some hints? I`m looking for the driver but I cannot find it. Thank you for your time From [email protected] Tue Oct 31 06:21:02 1995 Subject: Riddler is looking for home pages... On Friday 8/18/95, Interactive Imaginations launched a completely new version of Riddler. The game, now called Quibbler, is a free contest that gives people on the Web the opportunity to win cash prizes by solving a variety of riddles and puzzles. The game is accessible via www.riddler.com. We are looking for home pages to hide some of the clues that are needed to solve the riddles, and believe your page would be ideal. Your site will be seamlessly integrated into a specific game. For example, if we were to hide a clue on the Stephen King home page, contestants would get a hint leading them to that page. To facilitate the player's search, Infoseek and Yahoo will be incorporated locally on our site. Upon figuring out that the page in question was the Stephen King page, contestants would locate that page on the Web and find one of four clues needed to solve the main riddle. Since your participation is also free, the benefits of your participation are tremendous. Since a link to our game can be maintained for a duration, you will have the opportunity to promote the subject of your page to all participants of our game. In addition, you will have an opportunity to participate in the up and coming Riddler Network events such as the much-anticipated Riddler's Choice 10K race around the web. Remember, there is absolutely no cost to you or the players. From [email protected] Wed Aug 9 06:34:48 1995 Subject: Help I am a third yr finance major who is looking for some assistance in locating some sights on the net. I have seen your name on some of the references for tases and I was wondering if you might know the location of: Outstnding Investor Digest, Portfolio Reports, 13-D Research Inc., Vickers Stock Research, The Value Line Investment Survey. Any information that you may be able to provide will be helpful. If you have any reading suggestions I would love to hear them. From [email protected] Tue Aug 15 23:00:12 1995 Subject: AUTODESK Scholarhip Dear Mr. Walker, It was nice to have met you by chance. Since you are the founder of AutoDesk perhaps you could assist me. I am a second year engineering student at College University. I am an independent student struggling to finance my college education. I survive on outside and Federal grants. I was wondering if there was anyway through a grant or scholarship for me to obtain a licensed copy of AutoCad so that I may begin a business venture. I believe I have the talent to design. I want to market this ability. Three years ago I was introduced to AutoCad when I took a course in it at the Southern Clueless Regional Occupational Center. Currently I am a certified CAD Designer. I have accumulated many awards through my academic and athletic prowess making me a good candidate for any such scholarship. I was also a recipient of the Presidential Academic Fitness Award. Last year I designed a Jungle Gym for our group for the final project in Engineering 101. While not a marvel of genius, for a first year student on short notice it was sufficiently impressive. If you need anymore information from me please don't hesitate to contact me. I would greatly appreciate any guidance, recommendation or directions towards proper channels that you could offer me. Thank you for your time. Sincerely From [email protected] Wed Nov 1 05:39:46 1995 I greatly appreciate your work to put the I.R.C. online. I have confronted one major difficulty you might be able to help me with. When I print a page, the blue links text does not always print. How may I overcome this? Thank you. From [email protected] Wed Nov 1 15:53:25 1995 Subject: Programing in Qbasic Hi, My supervisor has asked me to make a backup program in qbasic and and I want it to backup every Friday and only write over file that have changed. This is going from a local hard Drive to a Network drive. HOW DO I DO THIS?? or is there a program on the net for shareware that I can doenload. This is his e-mail address. Please Mail me at my address. thank you From clueless@aol.com Wed Nov 1 23:16:25 1995 Subject: your screensaver John, Hello. My name is Bob Clueless, and I have looked over your screensaver. I very much like its simplicity, as this is probably more approachable for the average person using a computer. I am wondering if you have developed or would consider developing a screensaver that is compatible with both Windows 3.1 and Windows '95. Essentially I need to display images and give the user a few choices regarding transitions, password and duration of the images. Any thoughts?... From [email protected] Tue Oct 31 23:33:33 1995 Subject: Section of composite map Hi John, I am interested in a section of the composite map, the European section. Is that somewhere on the Web, or can I in some way create my own section from some of your map? Thanx for helping! From clueless@msn.com Tue Oct 31 08:39:51 1995 Subject: World Map w/Time display Kelvin, I am a consultant. While on-site the other day, I noticed a color printout of a world map with the daylight/nightfall displayed by time zone. It had your address at the bottom. Is this available in Win95? Other places? Please advise. Thanks for your information. From [email protected] Sun Oct 29 21:46:27 1995 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/homeplanet/homeplanet.html John, I have urld to your page from mine at http://www.somesite.com/~clueless/index.html I use a macintosh and it seems that I cannot use your page functions. Any reason why? Thz Clueless

Dunno. Perhaps it's because the program you're referring to is for Windows.

From clueless@aol.com Sat Oct 28 18:39:25 1995 Do you have any sky maps for Macs From [email protected] Fri Oct 27 00:52:19 1995 Subject: ftp of craters.zip Why cannot I ftp craters.zip. I got the name from this url, and tried to get it using ftp (after leaving fourmilab.) I found your www in the Local Paper, business section last Sunday. Why can't I e-mail you at this address? Cheers, Clueless. From [email protected] Mon Oct 23 07:55:11 1995 Subject: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Mr. Walker, CONGRATULATIONS! Your Earth Viewer website has been chosen to receive "THE FAMILY JEWEL AWARD!" This coveted award is only presented to those websites with excellence in design, layout, content, presentation, uniqueness, and originality. If you wish to accept this award, please display the award logo that you will find attached to this message on your opening page, with the following URL referenced as... From your-mdash;[email protected] Thu Nov 2 02:37:41 1995 Organization: The Anderson School, UCLA Subject: (no subject) X-Unauthenticated: The sender's identity cannot be confirmed hi kevin, i am a researcher at ucla and i just ran across your file "autodesk" in a search dealing with dividends. did you write this work? what exactly is it? business book on net? case study? company history? who funded this effort? where did the work on dividends come from? From [email protected] Thu Nov 2 14:33:53 1995 Date: Thu, 02 Nov 95 08:33:23 Subject: Versions Are there plans for an OS/2 version? How much of the code that is Windows specific? How modular is it, meaning how hard would it be for someone to port? Thanks.

Forgetting, you'll notice, to name which program he was asking about.

From clueless@aol.com Fri Nov 3 04:58:06 1995 Subject: Satellite Images Dear Kelvin, My name is Maj Bob Clueless. I am an officer in the USAF. I was hoping you could give me some information on satellite imagery. I need to have some pictures made of a deer camp in Alabama so that the hunters can make a map of the roads and topo of the landscape. Do you know of any government or private organizations that can make these pictures? Thank you very much for your time.

Sleep soundly tonight: the Air Force…is deer hunting, by satellite!

From [email protected] Fri Nov 3 01:13:04 1995 Subject: IKEA furtniture outlets in France Dear John: My wife and I own a small condo unit in southern France, which is currently rented out. In five years time, we plan to retire and live six months in France, six months in Canada. With your Swedish connections, would you know of any IKEA outlets in southern France, or indeed in France in general? Any help in this area would be appreciated, as we would like to get an IKEA catalogue from France and start planning our furniture purchases. If there are no outlets in France, then the closest outlet would be appreciated. Jag talar svenska. Var fodd i Kanada av svensk foraldrar. (My MS Mail program can't generate the Swedish characters for the three extra letters). Thanks for any help you can provide. Sincerely, From [email protected] Fri Nov 3 21:42:27 1995 Subject: http://www.fourmilab.ch/autofile/www/section2_39_2.html ENGLISH MAJOR--SENIOR YEAR I ENJOY THE FEEL OF MONEY IN MY HAND, IN MY POCKET, READY TO BE PUT TO USE. I HAVE A TOKEN $2000 ON MY PERSON, NOTHING MORE. I WANT TO DOUBLE IT QUICKLY BY MAKING AN INCREDIBLY WISE INVESTMENT (HOW I DON'T KNOW). AM I DREAMING. . . ? MY FRIENDS SAY IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I'M HOPING THEY'RE WRONG. EVEN IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Certainly. Make a copy of the attached document and add your name at the top of the list. Post copies to the five or ten thousand leading newsgroups. In keeping with tradition, you should probably do this from an AOL account….

From [email protected] Fri Nov 3 23:02:50 1995 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/ I would like for you to e-mail Clueless Systems, LLC your articles on the Turnkey Systems industry. Please visit our site at www.clueless.com. From [email protected] Wed Nov 8 07:28:22 1995 Organization: Delphi Internet Services Subject: Hello Oh Shit

Please—not on my computer! It's bad enough with all the pigeons roosting in the computer room.

From [email protected] Wed Nov 8 22:54:50 1995 From: Unauthenticated User <[email protected]> Organization: University of College Laboratory Schools X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/cship/cship.html If you could send me this game that woul be nice at America online Clueless but if you dont have aol dont send it =================================================== NOTICE: There is no way to guarantee the validity of this message. Please contact the person listed as the sender to authenticate. =================================================== From [email protected] Fri Oct 27 16:25:35 1995 Subject: Regression Testing Tools X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/autofile/www/section2_16_6.html#SECTION00166000000000000000 Hello Kelvin, I found your page in the WEB while searching for a Regression Testing ToolKit for HPUX User interfaces. Do you know about such a tool kit? Is there any PD or shareware? Looking forward to your response, From [email protected] Thu Nov 2 07:27:24 1995 Subject: story I really liked your story. From [email protected] Sat Nov 11 04:38:00 1995 Subject: Are you looking for funding? Mr. Walker, I found your page while looking for people wanting venture = capital. I'm having trouble telling if you are looking for capital or = partners. Please let me know what you have in mind. Thanks From [email protected] Thu Nov 9 03:53:56 1995 Subject: C-1 VISA X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/uscode/8usc/www/t8-12.html ..I have been reading your enormous database on immigration laws, and i could say it is pretty impressive!..although, I am looking for a very specific law regarding Alien In-Transit( C-1 visa ). I would really appreciate if you can send me a literature on this aspects. thank you, From clueless@aol.com Mon Nov 13 06:32:27 1995 Cc: [email protected] Subject: Adoption Adoption Referral Associates publishes directories that contain the actual materials submitted by adoption agencies nationwide. They are an excellent resource for those wanting to adopt. They also offer pre-adoption counseling services. Phone is 800-CLU-LESS. From [email protected] Tue Nov 14 18:01:22 1995 Subject: DAK info Dear Sir, Could you please forward to me the up-to-date phone number and address of DAK industries mentioned in your WWW link? I would be most grateful. I am [email protected] Regards, Clueless, Ph.D. From [email protected] Thu Nov 16 02:03:13 1995 Subject: Unicard I'm a student and I just read your message on the unicard. Could you tell me what is your profession and your purpose in writing the letter? Thanks. From [email protected] Thu Nov 16 06:27:00 1995 Subject: Your Web Page X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/autofile/www/section2_10_12.html While searching for Wordstar, I came across your web page. What _is_ it? An history of Autodesk/CAD?

You could say that, assuming you could utter a coherent sentence at all.

From [email protected] Thu Nov 16 12:38:39 1995 Subject: Cross country dividend - retained earnings comparitive survey Dear Kevin: I need data on dividend payments and retained earnings relative net income for about 100- 500 corporations listed on each of the major stock markets; London, New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Paris, ect. Do you know if or where this kind of data might be found on the web? Thanks,

I am deeply moved by your need, as well as your unwillingness to do your own research.

From [email protected] Thu Nov 16 22:45:41 1995 Subject: (no subject) check out www.somesite.com/clueless/techno.html or call CL Tech at 710-555-7300, ask for Bob Clueless. They have developed CL Medbase for device tracking and the Outcome Assessment/Decision Support System for hip & knee replacement orthopaedic surgeons. I am trying to track other outcome data collection systems. If you have any info, please pass it along. Thanks! My phone number at the CLUELESSS is 408-555-1693.

Uhhhh, I'm still running showroom stock knees and hips, but if I decide to hot rod the old meatster, I'll be sure to check this out.

From [email protected] Fri Nov 17 00:09:30 1995 Organization: Primenet Subject: Programing Could you send me some info for programing games using Qbasic. From [email protected] Sat Nov 18 04:17:43 1995 Subject: (no subject) Good argument. All we need now is someone with imagination and money! Regards,

That's what's always needed to accomplish (no subject).

From [email protected] Sat Nov 18 21:13:39 1995 Subject: auto cadd (drafthig programs) Is there any way I can get a free auto drafthing cadd program for my mom please reply to Sally Clueless our addres is From [email protected] Tue Nov 21 04:50:35 1995 Subject: craters screen saver I have saved the cratrscr.zip to disk but I don't know how to get it = "unzipped" to get it working. Could someone help me get this screen = saver running? Thank you, From [email protected] Tue Nov 21 21:46:22 1995 Subject: U. S. Tax Code On-LIne Can you give me info on the cost of U. S. Tax Code On-line. Also, any other information that might be of help.

Any other information…? Sure. The cost of free things you access on the Web is zero, other than your connect charges. Water is wet. You are an idiot.

From [email protected] Wed Nov 22 15:50:28 1995 Subject: Primetime critique Dear Mr. Walker: While crusing the Internet I landed on your wicked critiqe of some PR text. I am intrigued by your commentary. However that is not why I am contacting you. I am a writer and a translator, proficient in Spanish, French and English. I know you probably don't want to hear another word about how wonderful PR consultants are and how they can help you. Just in case, however, I am forwarding a resume should you happen to need my services. Thank you very much.

It is somehow reassuring to discover that, ten years later, “communications professionals” can't spell any better than they did in our distressing First Contact.

From [email protected] Mon Nov 20 01:01:02 1995 Subject: (no subject) Should New Hampshire Savings Bank Corporation issue dividends. See Case Studies in Financial Decision Making Third Edition by Diana Harrington and Kenneth M Eades pg 315. From [email protected] Sat Nov 25 10:58:33 1995 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/sitemap.html#speakfree I have two questions about Speak Free, what compression format are yo using and how do I uncompress the program? Thanks you From [email protected] Sat Nov 25 02:02:48 1995 Subject: Parametric Dear John: Can you give us a layman term for "Parametric". What does it mean? Any way of describing this to your Grandmother. Thanks.

This is a genuine challenge. Both of my grandmothers (did you only have one?…how odd…any extra fingers or toes?) are dead. So I don't have any idea at all how I could explain “parametric” to either of them. But I'm sure that had my mum's mum encountered the word at age 96, she would have looked it up in the dictionary before bothering a total stranger with the question. Regards,

From [email protected] Sat Nov 25 07:46:46 1995 Subject: Win95 and Floppies Kelvin: Do you know if it is possible to store a 5Mb (or anything larger that 1.44Mb) program across multiple floppy diskettes in WINDOWS95?

Have you tried a sledgehammer?

From [email protected] Sun Nov 26 05:27:25 1995 Subject: (no subject) For some reason I am not able to print the article about a subchapter s corporation from my computer. If it is no trouble could you email this article back to me as soon as possible. Thank you so much! From clueless@aol.com Sun Nov 26 19:26:21 1995 Subject: how to see the demonstration Hi! I've just looked at your interesting site: http://www.fourmilab.ch/solar/solar.html but I can't figure out how to see anything!! What/where is the command to begin the viewing? Thanks,

Are you sure your eyes are open?

From [email protected] Tue Nov 28 20:35:53 1995 X-Url: X-Personal_Name: From: Subject: social security taxes q tax rates on socioal security payments

a
I am not a server.

From [email protected] Wed Nov 29 14:57:47 1995 Subject: Industrial Revolution X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/autofile/www/section2_84_19.html do you know anything about the sociology of the indutrial revolution?

Yes, quite a bit. Thank you for asking.

From [email protected] Thu Nov 30 20:59:50 1995 Subject: (no subject) Ho there. I am not a technical person but I want to say how interesting I find this site. I try to call in regularly at different times just to check on what views I can get. Can you give me any other URLS where something like this is possible? Congratulations and best wishes

Thank you. You'll find extensive information on (no subject) at the vast majority of Web sites.

From [email protected] Sat Dec 2 00:30:08 1995 Hi Kevin, I just started using the net, I don't understand how to steup the software (i.e. creating directories & source code???) If you can hwlp it would be much appreciated. Thanx.

I doubt I can hwlp, since I don't know what “hwlp” means, and I don't know which program you want me to hwlp you steup.

From [email protected] Fri Dec 1 04:45:58 1995 Subject: help Hillo! Ah... I am trying to use your program... but I can't seem to find any other users listed on the system.?! HOW or WHEN do I try to connect... once I am on line?!??! anywhere!??! and also.. how do I find a person to talk to.. for now.. just to test...??!? is there a test place.. I am toiooo excited... I can't wait.. HELP!!!!

Sit down. Relax. Make sure your brain is switched on. Next…

From [email protected] Sun Dec 3 21:51:07 1995 Subject: Moontoolw Hello. I am not sure how to unzip moontoolw. I downloaded the file in my C:\Windows directory, but I cannot get it to work because I cannot unzip it. If you could send me some instruction I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks! From [email protected] Mon Dec 4 19:06:40 1995 My wife is starting up her own tax service and is curious to know if the "CCH" books are available on-line. Any info you could provide would be helpful. From [email protected] Wed Dec 6 00:19:17 1995 Subject: VIEWING OZONE DATA Is it possible to view ozone readings superimposed on the planet's map? Your help is greatly appreciated... Bud Clueless Assistant Professor

Always glad to help, Prof. Starting next Monday, our constellation of 600 ozone-monitoring satellites will be launched into orbit on Russian Zenit boosters out of Pletesk. By Wednesday afternoon, we will be able to downlink custom superimposed imagery direct to your desktop. Could we come by to install the dish sometime after lunch? The cost for this will be 8 billion U.S. dollars—please have cash or a cashier's check available when our installer arrives. Thank you for choosing Fourmilab as your space data provider!

From [email protected] Wed Dec 6 01:08:47 1995 Subject: (no subject) Dear Kelvin: How do I find out what the alignment of the planets will be in 4 years (the year 2000). I hope you will find time to answer. Thank you. From [email protected] Thu Dec 7 14:14:45 1995 Subject: Computer-aided design Hi. I am studying for a HND in Software Engineering and am doing a talk soon on "How computers are used in the production of films". I am hopeing to talk mainly about computer animation, but need some information on it. Can you help? I don't know if "computer-aided design" covers computer animation or not, but I'm confident that you can help me. Please write soon. I am a damsel in distress!!!! Thank you BYE BYE. __/\___________ / \ / * |------------- \________________/ || || .......................... . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX . . ****** Clueless ****** . . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX . ..........................

I agree; you are, indeed.

From [email protected] Thu Dec 7 20:57:59 1995 Subject: how can I green card Dear Mr. Kelvin, Last year my friend of mine won the visa lotary and he is in US now. I want to study in US and I want to get green cerd because two months ago my family died in trafic accident I have some money its about 20000$ but I couldnt manage to get immigration visa would you explain me what should I do? I am waiting your reply Sincerely

Have you considered bribery? Just mail all your money to my mail-drop and I'll see what I can do….

From [email protected] Mon Nov 27 01:16:16 1995 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: http://site.college.edu/~user/speakfree/speak_freely.html#req I am at http://site.college.edc/~~~~~ I have read the entire pages and for the life of me can not find the software. What is going on? Is this shareware or do I have to do something else to get it? Thanks,

Well, you could start by getting a clue, or else by pressing the big fat “Download” button which was staring you in the face as you composed this missive.

From [email protected] Mon Nov 27 19:33:31 1995 Subject: earth image in high resolution format? The images are great!! Can you recommend a place where I can get high resolution images of the earth and of the sky? Thanks for your help

Certainly. Make a huge pile of the highest explosives you can obtain. Sit on top, with your camera. Detonate the pile, snapping away as fast as you can manage. These will be extremely high resolution images which your survivors can sell to the highest bidder.

From [email protected] Mon Nov 27 19:40:54 1995 Are you John Walker? aloha

Yes, I believe so, although I haven't checked in the last half hour.

From [email protected] Fri Dec 8 21:12:52 1995 Subject: Research on Money crash 1987 I am Luigi Clueless, I am attending at College University of Somewhere Italy. I am looking for some information about "The Money Crash 1987" for taking my degree. I hope to hear from you soon Your faithfully From [email protected] Mon Dec 11 22:15:28 1995 Subject: respite care payment Encoding: 11 TEXT Hello, I am new to using internet and happened upon the page describing foster care payments. Is it possible for you to provide me with similar information regarding the tax laws governing respite care payments made to foster parents. Thanks From [email protected] Wed Dec 13 07:31:07 1995 Subject: netphone Dear kelvin, I have download the speakfree file from my netscape, I use a telephone line to dial in a local server and I think the connection is called ppp. I was testing the chat site. can I hear someone's talking even I don't have a phone yet? thanks!

Yes, you'll find your ears will provide this capability, as long as the other person isn't too far away.

From [email protected] Fri Dec 15 06:20:41 1995 Subject: votre aide pour apprendre francais J'ai lu que vous pouvez m'aider avec une spreadsheet d'Excel?

Bien s?r. Veuillez m'envoyer les honoraires de 5'000 francs suisses pour le minimum d'une heure. Je vous rappelerai aussit?t que l'argent arrive. Argent liquide seulement, s.v.p.

From [email protected] Sat Dec 16 06:02:40 1995 Subject: (no subject) December 15,1995 TO: John Walker RE: COMBINED PERSONAL AND BUSINESS TRAVEL EXPENSE As a stockholder in Bogus Environmental, Inc., Goofy, TX, I have been authorized by a Director to contact a California indepen= dent oil producer for possible trial of microbial oil enhancement with low gravity wells in Daft, CA, this during a personal visit= from North Clueless during the Christmas season. The following question arises: What portion of the cost of the visit may be = treated as tax-deductible business expense? From [email protected] Sat Dec 23 02:36:12 1995 Subject: dietary fat Hello there, I wanted to bring to your attention a new product that has been released in the United States. It has only one ingredient, "absorbitol" and it is derived from the shells of shellfish. It has the ability to bind with up to 3 grams of dietary fat after a meal, and carry it straight through the body, resisting absorption. If you would like further detailed information, I can fax it to you, as I would also be interested in hearing your opinion on it. Thank you!

Pass the butter!

From [email protected] Sun Dec 24 05:01:30 1995 what is this anyway part fiction and or fiction . is it something which is purposeful or is it varied .

It's purposeful! It's varied! It's purposeful! It's varied! Stop—you're both right!

From clueless@aol.com Wed Dec 27 05:51:42 1995 Subject: first impressions This appears to be interesting. Do you want comments / suggestions later? Is this a "project" for your personal business, education or entertainment?

Absolutely!

From [email protected] Fri Dec 29 07:08:43 1995 Subject: speakfre.exe???? Labtop??? Dear Sir, I have a laptop computer (sorry I don't have a regular desktop), it has a built in sound card with software (an internal speaker & mic), however it doesn't have the DOS file - speakfre.exe, so I cannot install the "Speak Freely" program. Do you have any ideas or suggestions?

Many.

From [email protected] Fri Dec 29 17:05:00 1995 Subject: PEMEX Founder -- Adolfo Preston John Clueless Where can I get a copy of the story of the founding of PEMEX and information about it's founder Adolfo Preston John Clueless? Melvin E. Clueless, Founder Clueless Family Association From [email protected] Tue Jan 2 00:44:21 1996 Subject: Visa Lottery Hi, Can you tell me when one can file for a visa lottery on behalf of a someone living in overseas? Where can such visa lottery be sent to and what are the necessary requirements, etc. etc. Thanks.

As a matter of fact, I can help you right out. Go to your bank and draw out all the money you have in cash. Mail it to me at the following address—there's no need to put a return address on the envelope….

From [email protected] Thu Jan 4 05:06:51 1996 Subject: diets Do you have any particular low fat diets that one can follow? Thank you..... From [email protected] Mon Jan 8 00:04:01 1996 Subject: age how old are you

Old enough not to have time for impertinent questions from total strangers.

From [email protected] Tue Jan 9 16:43:56 1996 Subject: (no subject) X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/evilempire/ Would like to see samples Please send E-mail or fax ??-???-??-????

Sorry, I don't know how to send an evil empire through E-mail or to your FAX. All in all, this is probably a good thing.

From clueless@aol.com Thu Jan 11 18:50:06 1996 Subject: LAND SAT. Where can i find information on land satelites. Am doing some reserch project. Thanks in advance for your help. From clueless@aol.com Sat Jan 13 21:23:25 1996 Subject: exempt from penalty Is there a form I can fill out to apply for exemption from penalty at the end of the year? My income varies from quarter to quarter substantially and I just file one return at the end of the yearand Ialways have to pay a penalty because I didn't send inany payments of estimated taxes. Your help would be appreciated. From [email protected] Mon Jan 15 04:46:05 1996 Subject: Your Program!!!!!!! How do you use the program(SpeakFree), I have tried to figure it out but I just cant. I havent read the help. I guess I could do that, But I would apreciate some hints or something. From daemon Tue Jan 16 07:44:24 1996 From: [email protected] (MR CLUELESS) DEAR : kelvin my name is clueless i need your help i like to know if i can download the software for netfone for windows i have tried many times with no luck getting a message no viewer please let me know what to do thanks From [email protected] Thu Jan 25 02:50:16 1996 I have been trying to use your Speak Freely program but i cant. Can you please tell me how. Thanks a lot. From clueless@nabus8 Wed Jan 31 18:15:08 1996 Subject: Running XD X-Url: http://www.fourmilab.ch/ Please excuse my ignorance, but I downdloaded the xd conversion program and i would like to execute it but I can't figure out what to do with the Makefile and the c script. I'm running SUNOS V5.4. Any help would be appreciated.

Note that this user of a Sun workstation not only doesn't know how to compile a C program, the return address in his message is a local machine name, without the domain identification one would need to reply (were one crazy enough to do so).

From CLUELESS@msn.com Fri Feb 2 12:51:45 1996 Date: Fri, 2 Feb 96 03:42:04 UT Subject: NEW USER DEAR SIR: I HAVE DOWNLOADED YOUR "SPEAK FREELY SOFTWARE TO MY COMPUTOR. I AM NEW WITH COMPUTORS, IN FACT YOU MIGHT CALL ME THE BIGINERS BIGENER. I DONT KNOW HOW TO RUN YOUR PROGRAM. INFACT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I DOWNLOADED YOUR PROGRAM CORRECTLY. IF POSSIBLE, PLEASE SEND ME ANY INSTRUCTIONS YOU CAN GIVE THAT CAN HELP ME USE YOUR SPEAK PROGRAM. THANK YOU SINCERELY CLUELESS

Sir, over more than twenty-five years in the computer industry, I have had the occasion to help hundreds, if not thousands of beginners. It is rewarding to help folks take that first difficult step into a rewarding but often intimidating new domain. You are not, however, in my estimation a “BIGINERS BIGENER”; you are an idiot's idiot.

From [email protected] Mon Feb 5 05:19:33 1996 To: lots of Lycos bite victims Subject: Tender for driving licence card Sir, We have obtained the name of your company through the Internet. We currently have a tender for the supply of a driving licence production system for the government of Mauritius which includes a complete computer system aswell as card production. We would like to know if you would be interested to bid with us for this tender. Should you agree to the proposal, kindly fax us on (230) XXX XX XX. We will then send you by DHL the complete tender document. We wish to inform you that the tender closes on 28th Feb 1996. Any suggestions would be most welcomed. From clueless@aol.com Sat Feb 10 08:12:14 1996 Subject: encounter's from age 3 i have down loaded your article,keep on the track, it's way past time the issue has been addressed. having my own personal encounter i know this reality exist, the problem is that it has been kept so secret that no one understand's unless you have seen on up close. it's time the peope were informed.the cold war is over and the deception keeps mounting,soon the information will become obvious and the people will become very angry that the secret has been kept for so long.

What's this lump in my earlobe? Not again…bloody greys….

From [email protected] Tue Feb 13 23:37:35 1996 Subject: ? Hi, my location is XX 30' 01" N, XX 33' 09" W. What planets are rising in the southwest at about 7:30 Xst. From [email protected] Wed Feb 14 00:54:03 1996 Subject: Does anyone... Does anyone know the proper procedure to take the IRS to court to have a legal determination made wether or not a person is a "Tax-Payer" or not. From <@COLLEGEVM.COLLEGE.EDU:[email protected]> Mon Feb 19 07:23:48 1996 Subject: q? hi, how are you ? I do not now if can help me , but I am looking for some Questions about the moon phases and software to determine it also I have a 2Nd questions when the new moon is born when can it be seen bye the human eyes and does the geographical area infulences it apperence can it be seen in NY but not CA or even TX I refer to the new moon off course thanks in advance From clueless@aol.com Mon Mar 4 05:11:00 1996 Subject: autocad Is it possible to download a shareware version of AutoCad from the net? If so, would you by any chance have a URL address for such an area? Sincerely, From [email protected] Mon Mar 4 05:17:02 1996 Subject: home planet ftp ftp.foumilab.ch Name:anonymous Password: [email protected] ftp> cd /pub/Kelvin/homeplanet ftp> binary ftp> prompt ftp> mget hp2-?.zip ftp> bye

This idiot, having read a description of how to obtain Home Planet via command-line FTP, promptly E-mailed me the commands, including the "FTP>" prompts in the sample session I show in the document.

From [email protected] Sun Mar 24 17:51:09 1996 Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 10:49:39 -0600 From: "Sam Clueless" <[email protected]> Subject: Pepperidge Farm reporting Glass in their Cookie X-URL: http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/www/subsubsection1_4_3_0_0_4.html Found your address while browsing for Pep Farm. Got an address for reporting a sizeable piece of glass to them?

What's the problem? Didn't the package say “No fat, low-calorie, high-fibre”?

From clueless@msn.com Sat Mar 30 08:35:53 1996 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 96 10:32:12 UT Subject: broadcast of cricket by intelstat CBU do you have any infor on what band/channel i may be able to pick up the CBU broadcast satellite of cricket matches currently scheduled between west indies and new zealand???? thanks for any leads or infor From clueless@aol.com Wed Apr 17 14:38:40 1996 Subject: Project for school Dear sir, I am working on a project for my trigonometry class that involves the orbit of the earth and the orbit of Haley's Comet. The problem is to show whether Haley's Comet will crash into the earth using trig functions to prove my position. Can you send me information on these orbits? I also need information about Haley's Comet for a research paper that is part of the project. Would you be able to help me with this? The project was assigned just this week and is due on Friday, April 19. Thank you very much

You're welcome.

From [email protected] Wed Apr 17 20:38:54 1996 Subject: use of earthviewer John, Can you please provde me more information on how to access earthviewer. For instance, where can I find a map showing latitutes, longitudes, etc. say for the state of Clueless? How close can I zoom in on an area. I am doing a research project on waterfowl migratory patterns in South Clueless, and need to be able to count ducks on a pond. Can I do it using earthviewer. If not can you advise me on alternative means of accessing this informatin? Thanks.

Have you considered visiting the pond and shouting, “Yo, ducks! How many you guys out there”? Hope this helps.

From [email protected] Thu Apr 25 17:18:39 1996 Subject: "Question about of CASE" Can you send me information about of tools Upper CASE and Lower CASE,in fact, I need the diferences between the Upper and Lower Case, because I'm doing a profesional work, in this, I need include information about this topic, is very important. In other hand, Ican obtain information about the Front End and the Back End tools for the ingeneering information systems. If more for the moment, y thanks your atention for this e-mail, hoop your pront answer. From clueless@msn.com Wed May 1 09:44:57 1996 Date: Wed, 1 May 96 04:37:39 UT Subject: autosketch Do you know of any online or bbs, even clubs to get into. Need help importing images into autosketch, thanks From clueless@aol.com Thu May 9 22:58:16 1996 Date: Thu, 9 May 1996 16:57:15 -0400 Subject: INFO"""@ HI" MY NAME IS BUDDY L. CLUELESS I LIVE IN HELLHOLE IN. CAN YOU SEND ME SOME INFO.?? YOU CAN SEND IT BY E-MAIL OR BY U.S MAIL : BUDDY L. CLUELESS P.O BOX 821 HELLHOLE IN. 44444 PHONE : 369-555-2797

CERTAINLY BUDDY!! YOUR INFO WILL BE ARRIVING IN YOUR MAILBOX ANY DAY NOW!! KEEP WATCHING IT!!

From [email protected] Thu May 16 02:10:35 1996 Subject: earth I was observing your site and was wondering why earth was not listed in the list of planets that included the moon in your solar system live section where you can tell where all the planets are at any moment. thank you From [email protected] Sat May 18 11:56:44 1996 Date: Sat, 18 May 96 10:59:54 -0700 Subject: HELP!!! It would be very nice of you if you could send us some information about CYBERSPACE! Thanks, From [email protected] Sun May 26 04:28:03 1996 To: (Recipient list suppressed) Subject: Are You A Displaced AT&T or MCI Professional? Are You a Displaced AT&T or MCI Communications Professional? Do You Know One? Please Call 1-800-555-8612 For Important Information. (Not Long Distance or MLM) Must Be Able to Sign a Non Disclosure Agreement From [email protected] Mon May 27 08:29:18 1996 Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 00:57:35 -0700 Subject: Sky screensaver help... I recently downloaded you Sky screensaver and find it very interesting. But, how can I find out my exact latitude and longitude? I'm at 156 Bonehead Boulevard (between 14 and 15th) in New York City, New York. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'd be very interested to know exactly what the sky above me looks like. Thanks! From [email protected] Mon May 27 05:54:11 1996 Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 03:53:15 GMT Subject: Software request Dear Sir: I am looking forward to receiving a speak freely software package from your company. I have Pentium 100, window 95 computer to access the internet. Please send the proper software to my following address: Sincerely, From clueless@aol.com Mon May 27 17:17:02 1996 Subject: Interest in Masonic Membership Hi Kevin . My name is Billy-Bob Clueless and I am interested in membership in a masonic order. Can you give me some direction as the links on the web lead nowhere or in very limited directions. Thanks From clueless@aol.com Sun Jun 2 20:27:01 1996 Subject: Planatary alignment, Uranus I there anything unusual about the subject on the morning of June 6, 1996? From [email protected] Tue Jun 11 16:16:54 1996 Subject: Sectionn127 Has the full house voted on Section 127 If so what is the outcome? 5250 exemption for 1995? 1996? Where do graduate level job related fall? 1995? 1996? Where do graduate level NON job related fall 1995? 1996? From [email protected] Sun Jun 16 09:49:50 1996 Subject: Winword 6.0 X-URL: http://www.fourmilab.ch/craters/ Hallo.... I'm search for a programm, to encode Winword-Dokuments, that save with a password (I have lost my password). Can you help me ? Thank You.... -- ...bis zum naechsten Mal

Sorry, your papers are not in order.

From clueless@aol.com Sun Jun 23 22:17:23 1996 Subject: question any info on piona company

I've found that ACME pionas are by far the best for dropping on irritating cartoon characters. Their catalogue also includes a wide variety of avnils.

From [email protected] Fri Jun 28 20:53:43 1996 Organization: Facilities Planning (room reservations) Subject: Your use of the name "Autodesk" Autodesk is a copywrited name of the corporation selling and servicing AutoCad products. If you don't already know this, you better check it.

Golly! Thank you for bringing this to my attention! Having founded the company in question and coined the name myself, I was unaware of this! I sure wouldn't want to violate what's-their-name's “copywrite”!

From [email protected] Thu Jul 4 21:13:04 1996 Subject: (no subject) I'm searching for a recipe for champagne cake. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. From clueless@aol.com Fri Jul 26 07:16 MET 1996 Subject: Speak Freely Could you send me the softwar for your FREE telephone thing???

At Fourmilab, we take pride in rapid and accurate delivery. You want “softwar”? We're happy to comply! Please provide precise latitude and longitude co-ordinates and desired yield. Delivery time is about half an hour; circular error probable is 10 metres.

From: [email protected] Subject: HTS what satillight is that is that hubble where can i get a list of all the satilights full names not abrviations HTS ??? From: [email protected] Subject: Enquiring How do convert 2 bytes hex number (eg.0126H) to its corresponding decimal number using 8086 assembly language? Thanks! From: [email protected] Subject: Autodesk, and Leverage My name is Fred Flintskull, and my parents are buying a new house. They want to take all their money out of the bank and buy the house cash. But my dad wants to use his money to make interrest, what do you think about using leverage and putting it in mutuals? I'd like to know more about the stock market and managing money, could you recommend some books or internet pages? Also if its not too much trouble what is autodesk? Thanks Fred

Fortunately, Fred, you asked precisely the right guy…do I have a deal for you! For heaven's sake, keep your parents from blowing all their savings on a house—what would they ever use it for? Instead, tell them to draw all of their money out of the bank and mail it to me. I will invest it in highly-leveraged financial derivatives, and in a couple of months, they won't have to spend any more time worrying about what to do with their money. Always glad to help!

From: [email protected] Subject: about radiotelescope Dear,kelvin My name is Billy-Bob Brassbrain. I'm senior student. I'm studying at Department of Electrical Engineering Numbskull Unversity. Thailand. My teacher is assign me to make a report about something which concern the radio wave. I choose the topic about radio telescope. But I don't have enough the image which recorded by radio telescope. Counld you please to tell me about the source of them. Thank you very much for your help. Sincerely yours ,Billy-Bob From: [email protected] Date: Mon, 02 Sep 1996 14:11:53 -0700 Subject: Australian star constellations To whom it may concern I am living in Australia and am required to do a project for school about star constellations seen in the Australian night sky. Unfortunately I have found that information on this subject is quite scarce! I would really appreciate if you could send me some literature on my topic and possibly some visuals to help me with my project. THANK-YOU! CLUELESS From: [email protected] Date: Sat, 07 Sep 1996 22:27:35 -0400 Subject: word lists would you happen to know where I could find a comprehensive word list? thank you CLUELESS From: [email protected] Date: Sun, 08 Sep 1996 16:46:40 +0000 Subject: a Dear Sir I read your article in Internt ,very good. I am a postdoc in France and come from a non-french speaking country. I 'd like to learn french very much. But I can not afford so much money for CD-ROM, I will appreciate it very much if you are kindly to offer a free copy to me. Clueless Ph.D From: [email protected] Date: Sat, 14 Sep 1996 17:41:43 -0700 Subject: ACAD. 12 I was wondering If I can down load the ACAD. 12 from the world wide web, and If I can you give the address, so I can down load it. Thank you. Clueless From: [email protected] Date: Sat, 14 Sep 1996 21:50:30 -0700 Subject: Earth Viewer I wanted to know if I can see objects close from that satellites Even just see a town from that satellites. As I saw if I try to see a picture in 10 Km above the earth I can't see the picture. Is it possible ? Thanks Clueless From clueless@aol.com Date: Mon, 16 Sep 1996 10:39:24 -0400 Subject: Speak freely How can I order speak freely? From: clueless@msn.com Date: Mon, 23 Sep 96 01:37:28 UT Subject: Help, What do I do? Hello, I am an average US citizen with four kids and a spouse. About nine year ago we bought a house and moved from a smaller house. We couldn't afford to sell the smaller house so we rented it out. Now, because our kids are in college, we need to sell this smaller house. The IRS laws on capital gains calculation are too numerous for me to weed out what applies to me. I have a basis and have depreciated and know how much each of these are. But, I cannot find how to calculate the capital gains tax on this sale and what is deductable and when I need to pay the tax. Can you help? Thank you! From: Bubba Clueless Date: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 11:09:02 +0000 Organization: North Clueless Schools Subject: Apples and Teachers My class is very interested in the origins of why the apple is associated with teachers. Any information on this would be very much appreciated. Thanks Bubba Clueless Teacher North Clueless Schools From: [email protected] Date: Wed, 25 Sep 96 22:43:58 PDT Subject: Do not understand,...

Do not care.

From: [email protected] Date: Sat, 28 Sep 1996 21:08:14 -0400 Subject: cost of book What is the cost of the book? thanks

More than your IQ.

From: [email protected] Date: Mon, 30 Sep 96 00:06:00 -0700 Subject: (no subject) I have a question that I hope you might be able to help me with... I resigned my position as Police officer for a Borough in Dumbstate on May 1st. (at the 'request' of the chief) At that time I gave a written resignation in which I agreed to fulfill obligations related to court hearings, trials and such... I received a few things by mail within a month or so.. and I appeared for the cases. (mostly minor cases.. traffic stops, etc..) Since that time I have taken a full time position with a manufacturing company. One night about a month ago an Officer came to my door to serve me papers for a trial the next morning (or possibly afternoon, i forgot) I couldnt take off work, so I didnt show.. I called the office of the DA and they said as far as they were concerned I had to show... Well, I didn't and i dont think theres much to that case except for the Officer that attempted to serve the papers left with the papers never having me sign them or anything... He was rather new to the force, and I wonder if I was lagelly considered 'served'.. my question is this... My boyfriend was home this weekend when an Officer came knocking in the middle of the night... He didnt want to answer the door so he didnt... He dosent care too much for the police here in this town.. anyway.. they came back a few times over the weekend while I was away... I left on 'bad' terms with most of the guys on the force, so even if I were home, I have no desire for social calls... well my boyfriend tells me that someone taped a supoena to the front door and that he left it there... he then got a call to our unlisted phone # from an officer posing as a Dominos Pizza employee... !? well, he handed the phone to a friend who hung up when she heared it wasnt a pizza guy bearing free pizza... I havent seen this supoena as of yet, but he said he saw a date that is the next working day.. Monday... am I obligated to just up and leave my job to be at some minor case? Is that considered a proper and timely serving of a supoena? If you have any insight to a question.. if i am not personally served with a supoena for a case in court the next working day.. do i have to show up in court even if I have a full time job that would be in jeaopardy? I resigned as a cop on May 1st.. but this weekend i was told by my boyfreind that someone taped a supoena to my front door... the date set was the coming Monday... I was not served in person at all... am i still expected to be there? Please let me know.. Clueless From: [email protected] Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 17:11:30 -0700 Subject: Read your article. See Revelation and the ACLU. If you read the bible? You will know that the Unicard has to happen in order to fullfill prophecy. It is already happening and people are blind to what the government is doing to our freedom! Freedom of Religion, etc.. Now freedom with respects to what we buy and sell. I will have more information for you later. In the mean time, study Revelation with a 7th Day Adventist or look for a Revelation Seminar. From: clueless@aol.com Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 14:44:16 -0400 Subject: letter your cool

You're clueless.

From: [email protected] Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 12:12:30 GMT Subject: (Fwd) (Fwd) (Fwd) queation Dear Sir/Madam, I am a full time student of the University of Clueless. I have found your name in the internet "Rule201.Conduct of Practice Before the Court" I am preparing to apply to the School of Film and Television of the UCLA. I am writing a story to send the MFA production/directing course as a supporting material. Some parts of that story are set in a court. I am trying to dramatize "Merchant of Venice" in the 20th century setting. I, however, have not stayed in the United States. I have found nobody familiar to the American Court System in my college. I hope that someone of your staff will give me advice. I describe a part of the story; A guy, called X borrows money from a bank. Another guy, who is X's friend, Y is a surety of X. X's house is a security. X looses any way to clear off his debt later after borrowing money. X conceals it to Z of the financial section of the bank. X has not paid his loan for months. Y rejects to offer his house. All things happen in the United States. I like seriously to know what kind of process a court would make after Z files. Would Z file this suit through a police, or go to a specific court? Would a jury take part in this case? I am looking forward to hearing from you. Yours sincerely Clueless From: [email protected] Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 17:22:54 -0400 Subject: Earth Photographic Quality I am grateful to partake in the service you have provided. Is there a greater resolution sight I might visit? The images you provide are grosely grainy when even trying to zoom into a quadrant of the USA. When the satellites can photograph a newspaper and this site has such poor resolution, perhaps there is an alternative answer. I am at least looking to see roads.

Hats back on, gentlemen…. But seriously, have you considered signing up for our Personal Keyhole^® service? For a one-time setup fee of US$375 million and an annual subscription rate of only US$5 million (FREE for the first year), we will launch and operate your own personal imaging reconaissance satellite with diffraction-limited resolution of better than 20 centimetres and 256 band programmable hyperspectral imaging. We handle everything: just E-mail your tasking requirements and our control centre south of Tripoli will see that the pictures from your bird show up in your mailbox within 24 hours. If rainy days always bring you down, consider our Living Room Lacrosse^® service, which provides 1 metre synthetic array radar imagery direct to your PC. Order both at the same time, and receive a 5% discount on launch cost! VISA/MC accepted.

From: [email protected] Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 11:39:20 PST Subject: Your screen saver. I was wondering how to set up the time zone statement. I live in Utah and it makes no sense.

Hey, I visited Utah myself, back in 1973. Didn't make any sense to me either!

From: [email protected] Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 22:11:24 -0700 Subject: A Question Sir, This may sound like a strange question but I need the French words fot "dead meat cafe". This is to be the title for a graphic arts assignment. I hope you will be able to help me with my question. Thank You Clueless From clueless@aol.com Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 16:19:40 -0400 Subject: 457 Plan Sir Could you explain specifically why I as a deferred compensation participant can not roll my def comp money into an IRA when I quit work or retire as those in the 401k programs can tax free and penalty free. Does not seem fair??? Thanks

Please call your Congressman and ask him to co-sponsor and vote for H.R. 0000, the Fourmilab Empowerment Act of 1997, when the House of Representatives convenes after the election. This bill delegates all U.S. tax policy to Kelly Day, Fourmilab's wish list coordinator. Once enacted, we will be able to change the law by decree so as to seem fair to you.

From clueless@aol.com Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 13:01:33 -0400 Subject: program: homeplanet hello astrofriends, please send me the astroprogram "homeplanet" on my e-mailadress clueless@aol.com my Problem is,I can no download the complett program.HP2.1 started by setup.exe called can`nt require .... File... thousand thanks for helping From clueless@aol.com Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 14:55:02 -0400 Subject: fiduciary duty If an agent breaches his fiduciary duty to the principal, is the agent liable to the principal for any resulting losses or is there no losses because there is no money involved? From: [email protected] Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 09:54:47 -0700 Subject: Internal Revenue Code Do you happen to know what teh longest sentence in the Internal Revenue Code is? It is a bonus question on a final exam I am completing. From: [email protected] Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 15:08:55 -0600 Subject: help me! hey man i got the autocad r12 for dos but the is that ia got win 95, and actually i do?nt know what e ma suppossed to do can you give some tip for use that version or i have to buy the new version of autocad r13 att. From clueless@aol.com Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 19:16:39 -0500 Subject: images why are all photos only black squares? From clueless@aol.com Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1996 23:14:41 -0500 Subject: I need the book really short sumerized do you have it? Pleze? From: "Claudia P. Clueless" <"clueless"@somesite.com;;;;> Subject: More information Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1996 15:06:43 -0700 I'am new at this. but willing to learn! Claudia P. Clueless Fax-999-555-1212 Thank you!

That's good, because it's clear you have a great deal, indeed, to learn.

From WebPotato@webtv.com Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 17:28:17 -0600 Subject: I need a code

No, what you need is a clue!

A special Titanium Cranium welcome to WebTV's WebPotatoes, piling onto the Internet from couches all over North America. Before the advent of WebTV, one needed at least the cranial horsepower to use a computer and get a modem to work. Now any yo-yo who can hook up a video game to a TV and plug in a phone can launch themselves onto the Web. Will progress never cease? Some things truly defy parody. The following is WebTV's “Mission Statement,” quoted directly from their home page:

The WebTV Mission To make the Internet as accessible and compelling for consumers as broadcast television is today.

Mission accomplished!

From: clueless@aol.com To: [email protected] Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 19:04:42 -0500 Subject: Hi...Help! I just got the Software for Voice Chat over the Internet...I saw your site on a list, and I don't know how to get to it...Is it an ftp site? I saw the numbers, and I typed in ftp:// before it. How can I get to it? From: Mate <[email protected]> Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 19:04:42 -0500 Subject: Stars Hi there,,,, Ok,,,Here Goes, I have been told that it is Possible to Like,,,Sponsor or contribute funds to a specific star in the Solar system,,,,,,,,,, I am interested in this but have No idea Who or Where to contact,,,,,, If you can help me with any Meteorological dept or institute that could give me details on this,,, would be a great Help,,,,, ,,,Just Havnt A clue where to Look,,,,,All I know is that You can choose to sponsor a Star and get Like A Certificate giving Details of It. ,,,,,,,Kkkk,,,,Hoping to hear from you,,,,,,,,,, Regards Mate.

It's been awful, hasn't it, since those bloody commas got smuggled past Oz immigration! They're,,,,,, everywhere now,,,,, no matter where,,,,,, you look,,,,! Look out, they're devouring that Funnel-web spider!

From: WebPotato@webtv.net Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 00:41:50 -0800 Subject: talk english. What the hell is hypertext, hierarchy, etc.? Content-Length: 0

X-User-IQ: 0

From: CLUELESS <[email protected]> Subject: ALTITUDE QUESTIONS I'VE BEEN SURFING YOUR SITE AND HAVE NOTICED THAT THE ALT ON SOME SATALITES WERE A VERY LARGE NUMBERS(35000KM) THAT TRANSLATES TO 20,000 MILES. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE NUMBER REPRESENTS. THE GEOSTATIONARY ORBIT IS APPROX 25 MILES UP ???? VERY INTERESTED IN THIS INFO SO IF YOU COULD TAKE THE TIME TO EXPLAIN I WOULD APPRECIATE IT... THANKS CLUELESS CLUELESS.NETCOM.COM From: [email protected] Date: Sun, 12 Jan 1997 12:12:58 +0100 Subject: Where is Basel??? Hi, thanks for a great view of earth! I am interested in the exact position of Basel and I haven't been able to find it, if you could help me out I would be more than grateful. Thank you! Clueless Basel

Look down at your feet. There it is! Glad to be of assistance.

From: clueless@aol.com Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 01:44:13 -0500 (EST) Subject: The moon My daughter is doing a book report on the moon. I can't find a decent web site that can tell me basic information about the moon. Can you help?

Perhaps you should broaden the scope of your search to include indecent Web sites. I'm told there are many.

From: clueless@aol.com Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 02:30:33 -0500 (EST) Subject: Hey You need to update this mess. I expect better in the future!

Note that this particular Acephalic Online was in such a hurry to dispatch their eloquent evaluation, they neglected to note which document this comment refers to. But be assured, our staff is working day and night to make the material on this site more accessible to slack-jawed drooling knuckle-walking beetle-browed morons. Please visit again soon!

From: [email protected] Subject: Alignment of the Planets in the year 2000 Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 01:07:37 -0800 I have heard so much from the news media regarding the doomsday predictions when the planets align in the year 2000 that I just want to know if it is true. Will there be tidal waves and other events that destroy cities and populations?

Absolutely! To survive, you'll need to take to the high ground, ideally the deck of a bridge well above a river separating an island from a substantial landmass. Please contact our real estate division for a list of bridges available for immediate purchase. Have your credit card ready!

From: Clueless <[email protected]> Date: Sat, 18 Jan 1997 22:37:38 -0400 Subject: Real suffering. Perhaps you could explain the supression field's experienced in thought, and how to best deal with them? Perhaps you could even anwswer the questions I don't seem to be intelligent enough to rember? The factors needed to be taken into consideration are beyond my ability of considering from here. Why is intelligence being with held from this world? What must I do, to get sentient life to be recognized openly? As you must know, memory for me is a real problem. But if you could out line what has been happening here and without/within, that would be of great aid. That outline would probably be of greatest aid. If it's possable to explain the perspective your comming from that would also be very good. Damn I'm tired.

Me too, primarily of mail like this.

From: "clueless" <[email protected]> Subject: information please Date: Mon, 20 Jan 1997 20:45:39 -0600 please send me [email protected]

Okay, here's my two bits: 10. Oh, what the heck, have another Hartley, 1100—and keep the change!

From: clueless@aol.com Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1997 13:20:05 -0500 (EST) Subject: you have put in a lot of effort I JUST HAPPENED TO BROWSE AND FOUND YOUR HOME PAGE. IT IS GREAT WORK. I AM INTERESTED IN ASTROLOGY ARE THER ANY FREE DOWN LOAD STUFF YOUKNOW OF, ANOTHER ONE I NEED IS FOR VIRUS SCAN AND CLEANING, I HAVE AN OLD MCAFFEE FROM 1995, THERE MICROBES HAVE BECOME MORE ARISTOCRAT AND NOSY NEED HELP. ANY SUGGESTIONS OR YOU HAVE THAT I COULD DOWNLOAD. THANKS A MILLION CLUELESS AN ENGINEER

For which railroad do you drive?

From: [email protected] Subject: Prosba o clanek LITHIUM ... Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 13:35:00 +0200 Vazeny autore clanku LITHIUM - super hvezda mezi prvky ( ZIVEL c.4 ), mel bych na vas prosbu, nemate tento clanek k dispozici na pocitaci, ci je nekde na Inetu ? Pokud ano byl by jste velice laskav kdyby jste mi ho zamailoval ci kdyby jste mi zamailoval adresu kde je dostupny dekuji mnohokrat. PS: SPECHA! DIK :-)))) CLUELESS

Not LITHIUM, Titanium!

From: [email protected] Subject: Help with regents project Date: Sun, 11 May 1997 22:26:30 -0400 To whom this may concern: Hi! My name is Moonflower Clueless. I would like to ask you a few questions about constellations and their movements. I am doing constellations for my earth science regents project. I chose to do the constellation of Orion. I was wondering if you could answer or try to help me understand constellations a little better, so here are some questions: 1) How do the stars move as the earth rotates and revolves? 2) What are stars and constellations made up of? 3) If the stars are always in the sky, than why can we only see them at night? 4) What does the magnitude of a star mean? 5) Are constellations grouped? 6) Are the constellations all the same age. If not, what are the youngest and oldest? 7) How do you figure out how to measure the angle of Orion on your own sketches? Thank you for reading my letter. I hope to see a response soon. I have one more question? Can you try to get me some pictures and or data of Orion. Sincerely, Moonflower Clueless P.S. I would like a response A.S.A.P., please. [Settings] LastSettingsCategory=3 SavePasswordText= SaveDialupPasswordText= RealName=Moonflower Clueless [email protected]

If I do your homework, do I get your diploma?

somehost.ingr.com - - [26/May/1997:21:44:50 +0200] "GET /cgi-bin/uncgi/Earth/action?opt=p Map of the Earth Your team made a great choice of maps. I hope you drew a picture of your planet in your log. Perhaps on another visit my research team and I, Martia N. can observe your team's 3-D version of the data. Now on to our second expedition. The research team of Martia N. will collaborate with the research team of you earth beings to detect if planet earth has more than one layer. The information must include the names of the different layers as well as their various depths. Once the data has been collected, your team may record it as a graphic representation, or (as we will in our log) as a database. Once again, after we locate the necessary information, perhaps you and your team members can construct a 3-D version of the data presented. Before we go to the address assigned by our galaxy, let us hypothesize: Do you think earth has more than one layer? If so, how many? Why do you think so? Does earth provide evidence to support your solution? How might you and your team construct a 3-D representation if earth has many layers? Let us travel to the address to test our hypothesis. HTTP/1.0" 200 0

Incoming…via HTTP! Due to the onslaught of the kind of mail celebrated in this document, I have removed “mailto:” links from pages prone to attract flakes and morons. But a genuine airhead can seep through all but the most hermetic seal. The missive above did not arrive by E-mail but was, instead, typed into a text entry field in the Earth Viewer request page—you know, where folks with a functioning cerebrum enter the latitude and longitude. I happened to observe this Half Ton Turkey Packet scroll by in the Web access log, and was intrigued enough to decode it, whereupon I found the above message.

Those contemplating the purchase of Computer Aided Design systems should note that this message originated from a machine within the domain of Intergraph Corporation (www.ingr.com). Evidently that vendor encourages broad diversity in Geographical Information Systems.

From: Bubba LeDimbulb <[email protected]> Subject: (no subject) Date: Thu, 07 Aug 1997 14:37:51 -0700 Hello, My name is Bubba LeDimbulb. Recently my father pasted away without leaving a will. His residence was Somestate. My mother is still alive and I have one brother and one sister. My fathers worth was as follows. IRA $200,000.00 tax has not been paid on 124,000 of this money House and furnishings approx. 75,000.00 Vehicles 12,000.00 Cash Savings/Checking Community property $25,000.00 Total $312,000.00 Is it still possible for my mother to divest these funds to her children without having to pay inheritance taxes. I know that she will have to pay tax on the 124k before getting it out but what is the best way for her to divest it. Is the 3 year divesting law still in place? Thank you for you help and information.

Sheesh! Here I've been cutting and pasting away in my word processor for years, totally unaware of the tax consequences! I'd better talk to my accountant before I paste this message into the Titanium Cranium archive.

From: clueless@msn.com Date: Tue, 12 Aug 97 21:19:22 UT I'm having trouble connecting to the server. What should I try?

PROZAC?

From: [email protected] Reply-To: <[email protected]> Subject: re: why I'm here Date: Sun, 17 Aug 1997 06:24:14 -0700 Hi, could you please help point me in the right direction? Im interested in learning how to make cyphers and crack exsisting cyphers I have no previous knowledge of this science. I have an insaciable curiosity to know how to do this please assist me in my quest thankyou

Hmmm…. Perhaps you should begin your quest by entering your user name in the designated field.

From: [email protected] Subject: Pay to Get Gas Guzzling Cars Off the Road Date: Mon, 01 Sep 1997 21:55:57 +0000 Hi Kevin, I was searching the Web on information regarding rebates on gas guzzling cars. I thought Chevron or some other gas company was paying to get these cars off the road. I found a phone number printed on, of all things, the back of a grocery receipt that dealt in this trade. I gave it to my brother who has been trying to retire his old truck gracefully. Unfortunately, the phone number lead to a disconnected phone. Would you have any information or leads on who might provide that kind of service? If you know and have the time, I'd greatly appreciate the response. Thank you kindly, Clueless

Why don't you tell your brother to E-mail the truck to [email protected] and ask 'em how much they'll offer for it?

Subject: how to calculate ephemarise( every day planet position) Date: Fri, 20 Feb 1998 03:40:27 +0530 From: "Mahatma Mindfree" [email protected] Dear kalvin, i want to know how to calculate solar system and how calcu the planet possition,because i make one programe for horoscope ,pl tel me some way how to go on link,i.e today 02/19/1998 what is the mars possition at time of 03.40 am in india .please give me the help , thanking you Mahatma Mindfree From: clueless@ISP_from_Hell.com Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 23:06:38 -0400 Subject: Email Address ?? for problems about GRAVITY and the MOON Please provide me with the
EMAIL ADDRESS
for Mr. John Walker.  I would like to send him details
of a project about "THE CAUSE OF TIDES", and
its underlying cause.  Gravity is not distributed
the way science thinks it is.  Because . . .
THE SUN HAS NO GRAVITY . . . ZERO GRAVITY. Please respond.
  Sincerely, Clueless
in Washington, DC, USA Please respond to:  clueless@ISP_from_Hell.com

Yes, this arrived as HTML E-mail, increasingly a trademark of the clueless, as it allows reinforcing the hallowed tradition of ALL CAPS with BOLDFACE!!!! My E-mail address, huh? Well why not…? root@localhost works just fine for me.

From: Ahmed Clueless <[email protected]> Subject: Wants Information Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1998 15:07:36 +0400 To; General Manager, SALES MANAGER Dear Sir/Madam, I have seen your information about your Product,IN {Intrnet Phone Connection} and we are salling it sucessfully. About our Comany: we are running an INTRNET CLUB & Computer Shop, our main intrests are, Training for Intrnet Member in our club as well salling all related Items, of Multimedia,Inrnet phones, sound cards, books related to Intrnet, magazines, Camera for Inrnet. and we do have a big hole for displaying and training, our porpose is to deliver best quality and fast service to the customer, where we found out that they are satified with us, so we are always looking for new product to try and sale it, we are also offering and ISDN lines which runing now in 64 Kps, and expected to be at 128 kps , by next month. Im providing you with this information so you can know our profiles. Therefore we are interest with your products, so please provide us with following: 1- Brouchures liflets about your products which is similar to above mentioned. 2- price list for Intrnational export. (FOB DUBAI-UAE) AIPORT). 3- Demostraion disketes 4- POSTERS About your products so we can display them in our SHOW ROOM , its very important as you know for customers attarctions. 5- periodic information about updates and new products coming up. All of those information are valuable to us, in order of strating business together. We appreciate if you give us a demonstration sample of your products. We are expecting a growing in Internet business in our area. as it showing now. Finally, thanks much and your response is highly appreciated. Please send your info to our mailing address With Best Regards, From: [email protected] Date: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 17:31:42 -0500 Subject: Md5 install on unix using Makefile John, Having trouble finding support for these install programs for M5, on AIX. Was wondering if you could point me some place to get support or help me. Please see attached ouptut of Makefile. root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:ls -l -rwxrwxrwx 1 3099 audit 1606 Sep 23 2003 Makefile -rwxrwxrwx 1 3099 audit 8850 Apr 15 2003 index.html -rwxrwxrwx 1 3099 audit 8146 Sep 23 2003 main.c etc. root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:chown root.system * root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:./Makefile ./Makefile[2]: PROGRAM: not found. ./Makefile[4]: CC: not found. ./Makefile[5]: CFLAGS: not found. ./Makefile[7]: RELFILES: not found. etc.

This guy has the root password on a Unix server at a hospital. Stay well.

From: [email protected] Date: 01/24/2005 04:49:19 PM Subject: Dendrimers Hi there, I'm writing a story for Red Herring magazine on Dendritic Nanotechnologies. Do you have any comment on this company and its potential contributions/role in nanotech? Thanks, Lizzie Clueless Red Herring www.redherring.com p.s. Hoping to finish this article by 3 p.m. PST January 25.

Teacher! My grandmother died, and then the dog ate my homework and died from bad grammar ingestion. Then my computer caught a virus which re-formatted my hard disc and…am I getting sympathy yet? … I thought I'd impose upon you to bail me out and save my grade point average so I can go to law school and sue evil productive people like you into oblivion.

Sorry, babe. You're on your own. Making up un-sourced facts and attributing them to victims who respond to your E-mails is doubtless part of your journalism internship, but it's not a game I play.

From: Muhammad Clueless <clueless@hotmail.com> Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:36:32 Subject: [Feedback] (hi) i need only calander converter from gorgion to islamic

Good luck, bub! Everybody I know who tried to look something up in the Gorgon calendar got turned to stone.

From: clueless@yahoo.co.uk Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 17:07:13 Subject: Urgent help needed! Could you please tell me if there's a calendar in which the present year is 2005. I would be very grateful if you could reply me asap. Thank you very much. Clueless

What, didn't file your taxes on time? I don't think this will help.

From: [email protected] Date: Tue, 16 May 2006 05:16:20 +0200 Subject: more info please I really appreciate your site! This is the best one I have found yet! Unfortunately I do not know one thing about astrology. Therefore I am trying to find out when these different planets are coming around the "wheel" ... How can I find out how these planets will "effect" individuals? It is hard for me to ask the correct question (s). I do not understand the correct vocabulary or terms to use. I hope you will be able to send me more. I would love to teach myself but I am just finding info about the "planets" not their effects on people. Thank you for your time. Respectfully, clueless From: [email protected] Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2007 23:50:05 +0200 Subject: Blue cheese Salad Dressing Feedback from: SubMarie's This is the second time I have written about the problem with your blue cheese salad dressing. I wrote over a month ago and have not heard a word. I have always enjoyed Marie's salad dressings but recently got a bad jar that had mold on when I opened it. I am not talking about the blue cheese mold but hairy type mold. I kept the jar and it has been in the refrigerator since I purchased it. The expiration date is still not due and the jar was just opened for use. Either you did not get my first email or you just do not care about the freshness of your product. If it is the latter than I guess I need to switch products. I still have the product and told you I would hold it if you care to look at it when I wrote you initially.

Heck, maybe it's just peach fuzz!

From: [email protected] Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:19:52 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (LATTITUDE-LONGITUDE) Feedback from: Your Sky TRY TO HAVE A ZIP CODE ENTRY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE AN OCCASIONAL QUESTION AND ARE NOT DEEPLY INTO THE SUBJECT...YOUR SCIENCE TEST, BY THE WAY, IS PATRONIZING IN THE MAIN AND STUPID IN THE LEAST. AFTER 50 YEARS OUT OF SCHOOL, I DON'T FEEL I HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN BECAUSE I HAD NO NEED TO USE IT. DOES SIRIUS, THE SUN AND THE MOON COME INTO CONJUNCTION EVERY 36 HUNDRED OR 36 THOUSAND YEARS?

I believe the “science test” the writer is referring to is the linear equation we ask new correspondents to solve on the feedback form.

From: [email protected] Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:48:54 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (earth.scr) Feedback from: Earth Screen Saver for Windows Since when does the terminator run east-west across North America?

Our correspondent here is paid by the taxpayers of the United States to work in their Environmental Protection Agency. This enforcer of clear skies and clean water has apparently never heard about the seasons, which have some subtle influence upon the environment of our globe. Yes, when it's winter in the northern hemisphere, it's dark in the arctic.

From: [email protected] Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2007 22:07:46 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (u suck ) Feedback from: No EU! u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck …30 identical lines elided… u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u Such imagination! 9 identical lines elided. suck u suck u suck u suck u don't suck ... NOT u suck u suck u Now that's clever—“NOT”! You've seen Wayne's World; I bow to your erudition. suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u …4 identical lines elided… u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck How original! 15 identical lines elided. u suck u suck u suck

But upon what is it that I suck? Such is the intellectual grounding and rhetorical eloquence of the anti-democratic collectivist partisans of the European Union. Imagine what it will be like when these children mature and govern you in your old age.

From: Online Baptist <[email protected]> Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:43:01 -0500 Subject: Your link has been rejected at Fundamental Baptist Directory Dear fourmilab.ch, We are sorry! We could not approve your link The Bible in the directory. Thank you, Online Baptist Staff http://www.onlinebaptist.com/searchengine

Needless to say, I did not submit my online edition of the Bible to these most discriminating theologians. To whoever did, I can only say, “Hey, it's about religion! Why drag the Bible into it?”.

From: Clueless Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:26:21 +0100 Subject: u suck Feedback from: No EU! in case the subject wasnt clear enough u suck i mean seriously whats your problem with brussels their cool maybe not france or at least the french but europes a pretty cool place apart from the fecies

Ahhhh…here we have another eloquent and impassioned intellectual defence of the project of European integration. Uhhhh, “fecies”? I agree that almost anywhere can be “pretty cool”, or at least not all that stinky, apart from the feces.

From clueless@aol.com Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 09:45:07 Subject: [Feedback] (Your Sky is wrong,DUMBASS) Your Sky has been HACKED by Comedy Central. On May,24,1054,in the middle of the day,the SUN has set. YOU ARE A RETARD! YOUR SKY is GARBAGE! FIX IT OR SHUT IT DOWN! Clueless

Golly, AOL still seems to be around—who'd have guessed? The customer demographic appears to be strongly conserved.

From clueless@aol.com Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 07:28:57 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (singularity of space and time) Feedback from: Home Planet Tell me about this subject. I would like to understand how it relates to the planets and the stars.

Then, just five minutes later:

From clueless@aol.com Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 07:33:52 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (scorpius and saggit) Feedback from: Home Planet Both scorpius tail and saggis arrow point to the same general direction what is there?

Whatever you do, don't point your telescope there! That's where God hides His tools, in the singularity of space and time, and if you look upon it, you could be sucked right out through your telescope into the singularity and have a really bad day.

From [email protected] Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008 22:55:56 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (answer) Feedback from: Your Sky I wrote good things about you,but you have not answerd me.I liked your website but now i think that you are evil and i'm leaving your website.

Not evil—cackle, cackle, cackle!

The following was the response I received when I replied to a seemingly reasonable feedback message inquiring whether the French Republican Calendar designated its first year as zero or one.

From: Clueless <clueless@yahoo.co.jp> Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2008 19:30:00 +0900 (JST) Subject: Re: [Feedback] (French Republican Calender) I believe that the Gregorian calender must be abolished since it is based on the myth of the "Jesus of Nazareth", the fictious figure, and, there is no "year zero" because there was no mathematical conception of zero at that time. My two suggestions are: Aristotle (invalid Unicode elided) calender Aristotle is the greatest philosopher of the ancient world. In this system, Aristotle's birth year (Gregorian 384 BC) is year zero. Gregorian year plus 383 is Aristotle year. We are now in 2391. Brahmagupta calender Brahmagupta was an Indian mathematician and astronomer who had established the mathematical conception of zero and minus in _Brahmasphuta-siddhanta_ published in the Gregorian 628. In this system the Gregorian 628 is year zero. We are now in 1380. What do you think about my two suggestions?

Merry Christmas!

From <> Subject: Sattelite choise Date: 25 December 2008 14:01 Feedback from: John Walker's Reading List This is a very poorly designed site, sorry!

May your “choise” of sites be wiser in the future!

From clueless@aol.com Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:11:04 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (Strike Out) In my opinion, you are a boob. Here's to hoping we never share dialogue across the top of a pint, which would surely be disgraced by whatever we might find worthwhile to discuss.

I've always wanted readers to conclude I was abreast of things!

From [email protected] Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 10:22:14 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (Algorithm for New/Full Moon) Hi there, I am trying to code the new moon calculation so it would remind me that new moon is coming. I search the web and I have working algorithm that gives me the date but I need an exact hour and minute too. Your algorithm gives that so I was wondering you could help me to add this feature into my one. Below is the code in ruby. I have to say that I do not understand astrology at all :-) Thank you in advance. Clueless Code listing elided.

Neither do I! What's your sign?

From: [email protected] Subject: [HackDiet Feedback] Problem report Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2009 10:19:47 +0100 User: Clueless Category: Problem report Subject: some want sir i wana 2 learn hacking........will u teach me.........i wait ur response

Yup—sending a bogus “problem report” from a Web application I support in barbarous text-speak is a sure fire way to get me to do what you want! Keep on waiting….

From: clueless@hotmail.com Subject: [Feedback] (Gravitons and Light Spectrums ) Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2009 04:27:33 +0100 i was wondering since you guys have yet to see a graviton escape could it be that gravitons are in a different light spectrum that we cannot detect and i was also concerned if you do discover it could you create another "big bang"?

Hey—we guys created the last big bang! You'd just better hope we don't tire of the experiment and pull the plug.

From: [email protected] Subject: [Feedback] (can a program be built?) Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:02:59 +0100 Can a program be built to random draw numbers from a field of 35 and keep drawing from the left over numbers until they are all used? AS an example the field is 35 with 5 numers drawn leves 30 then another 5 numbers drawn from what was left of the35 now 30 numbers. then 25 then 20 etc? Thanks

Yes, it can!

From: clueless@hotmail.com Subject: [Feedback] (Plot supernova blast waves.) Date: Sun, 1 Feb 2009 00:53:36 +0100 The great earthquake on Jan. 3, 2009 in Indonesia was caused by a large star that went hypernova and there was a small star in the same star system that subsequently went supernova about a day later. The great earthquake on May 12, 2007 in China was the same phenomena. These supernova are dark because they occur inside the expanding hypernova plasma wave which is blue shifted out of the visual range. The 1908 Tunguska event is the only supernova blast wave with enough witness accounts to figure out the phenomena. If "Your Sky" had another number displaying what is the center of view (RA and DEC) then I could track down which supernova. Or if virtual telescope had a feature of pointing the telescope directly up and displayed where it was pointing (RA and DEC) I could track down which supernova. Here is my proposed supernova formula: supernova magnitude (units of Tunguska) = c*K*D1*D2/d² c star type = 1.00 for type IV star and 12.82 for type V star K units conversion = 476288 Tunguska * (light years)² D1 derating factor = sin4(angle) Angle is from magnetic equator of Earth. At magnetic poles no derating factor. D2 derating factor = 1/6.2 if supernova originates from within a hypernova star system, otherwise this = 1.00. d² is distance in light years squared Tunguska had an explosive power of about 25.75 megatons. Witnesses reported blast furnace heat 200 km from passover. A supernova blast wave drags nearest magnetic pole to ground zero. If strong enough ground zero might become the magnetic pole flipped. Many nuclear fissions occurred of so called stable elements producing rare earths and several radioactive nuclides which were measured at Tunguska many years later. I can write some of the nuclear equations. With the modifications to "Your Sky" or "Vitual Telescope" I could determine which supernova star caused Tunguska. That star likely dark because it also originated from within a hypernova star system. But there would be a nebula visible at the location. From: clueless@aol.com Subject: [Feedback] (Illness as a result of working at the Test Site and Pacific Proving Ground) Date: Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:00:21 +0200 I have received your cards with lists of the Cancers attributed to radiation and I am worndering if there is any other illness possible from radiation.

Yes! You can now cease “worndering”.

From: [email protected] Subject: - Feedback from: No EU! Date: Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:02:23 +0200 this website is out of date. I can understand the problems we facin in the 21st century what seems to be you cant. we need the union doesnt matter what state you are come from. History is history, together we are going to be n.1. in the whole world. Rgds a proud europen

Yup, destined to be “n.1.” for sure!

From: [email protected] Subject: [email protected] Date: Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:59:56 +0200 i read your article <http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/sftriple/gpic.html> i am surprised id not heard of such a discovery sooner. i would very much like to view the image you described.

Mate, it's science fiction!   But then some people never get it.

From: [email protected] Subject: [Feedback] (moon and direction) Feedback from: Your Sky Date: Tue, 22 Sep 2009 10:28:42 +0200 I was looking for a moon direction. ie at a specific time, from a specific lat and long what direction is the moon and at what elevation. This would be very helpful for pointing satellite dishes.

Don't even think of contacting the Moon people! I got in touch with them back in the 1970s and they caused me all kinds of trouble.

From: [email protected] Subject: numbers Feedback from: HotBits Date: Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:11:29 +0200 I just found your site and I have to say I think it's a great idea for random number generation. Glad I found it. Anyway, I'd like to order up a batch of numbers for lottery drawings. In the lottery I play, to win the jackpot, one must pick 5 numbers (without replacement) from 56 and 1 number from 46 (the megaball). Right now, I am using the letters+numbers option on your website and just picking out the numbers below 56 and 46. Would it be possible to generate random numbers from your website within this format (5 numbers without replacement out of 56 and 1 number out of 46)? Thanks Sincerely, Clueless

Yes, we're all about promoting state-sponsored gambling here, so our programming staff will drop everything they're doing and get onto this request immediately. But don't you think that retropsychokinesis might be a more promising approach to win the lottery than true random numbers? If you win, please wire my cut to the account of Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi at the First Ironic Bank of Nigeria.

From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [HackDiet Feedback] Problem report Category: Problem report Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:57:38 +0200 hi dear ur me frnd plz i m interest in hakers kya hum baat kar saketa hai

And “kya hum baat kar saketa hai” (whatever that means) right back at you! Thank you for this insightful problem report.

From: clueless@hotmail.com Subject: [Feedback] (Location of Baloons) Date: Fri, 4 Dec 2009 18:20:58 +0100 I am interested in getting help tracking the coordinates of 10 baloons being launched on December 5, 2009. The coordinates must be in Latitudes and longitudes and entered in degree-minute-second (DDD-MM-SS) format. The baloons are being launched in the United states. Can I get assistance with tracking their coordinates.

Nope.

From: clueless@yahoo.com.au Subject: [Feedback] (RNG) Date: Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:04:41 +0100 Hi. I play online roulette. Is there software or a method og beating online roulette random number generators? Thanks for the feedback.

You betcha!

From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [Feedback] (how to caht in sky chat) Date: Sun, 31 Jan 2010 07:35:15 +0100 i am freddy clueless i wnt to know who to chat in sky chat plz giude me as soon as posible

Freddy! There are dozens of ladies just waiting to caht with you! Just draw all of your money out of the bank and send it to our Nigerian postbox, and we'll get back to you forthwith!

From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [Feedback] (Unavailble answer) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/earthscr/ Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2010 12:20:14 +0200 My question is__ i should be known to earth

No you shouldn't! The Earth is just a big rock, and it doesn't wish to know you at all.

From: [email protected] Subject: Consciousness studies Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 22:00:02 +0200 Hello John, I am amazad that at your consciousness study topic, there is no mention of consiousness in Quantum mechanics. Whereas it is this that made the whole thing role (beyond control) in modern esoterics in the first place. I suggest you read, 'remarks on the mind body question' by Wigner, regards, a conceirned quatum physicist.

I am also “amazad” and “conceirned”, not to mention dazzed and confuzzed, that these pressing questions are not at the forefront of Fourmilab's research agenda. Perhaps it's because we're spending so much of our budget on remedial orthography classes! Best wishes with the “quatum” physics.

From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [Feedback] (Black arts book ) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/herrmann/book_of_magic/bom.html Date: Sun, 25 Apr 2010 17:32:31 +0200 I am not sure but i beleive what ever a mans heart can concieve and believe it can achcieve .I need this black arts bopok urgently and i dont know how?pls help me

I turned this fellow into a newt, and haven't heard back from him since.

From: "Clueless" <[email protected]> Subject: Partnership with fourmilab.ch Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 19:56:28 -0500 Received: from E457FDF720CE414 by smtp101.clue.mail.less.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Mar 2011 04:38:51 -0700 PDT Fellow Website Owner/Operator; I am the marketing director of http://www.example.com. Our client bad.example.com would like you to consider a link exchange with their website. They offer a Care Guide specifically for people interested in keeping this popular spider. If you would consider adding a link to their website they would reciprocate by placing your website's link on the following page: http://bad.example.com/links.html Please link to them using one of the following text links or if you would prefer you can select from several images at: http://bad.example.com/linktous.html 1) Icky Bird Eating Spider - Learn all about the captive care of Icky Bird Eating Spiders. Our care guide includes information on terrarium setup, proper tarantula handling methods, feeding information, breeding information, and even creating a custom escape proof enclosure. HTML code elided… 2) Icky Bird Eating Spider Care Guide - Learn all about the captive care of Icky Bird Eating Spiders. Our care guide includes information on terrarium setup, proper tarantula handling methods, feeding information, breeding information, and even creating a custom escape proof enclosure. HTML code elided… Once you have added one of the above text links or logos to your website simply send me an email and I will make sure to get your link up on their website. I look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questons about our website or this email feel free to contact me. Sincerely; Clueless http://www.example.com Note: This is a one time email, you are not included on any mailing list.

I have modified the domain names and an adjective in the message to avoid giving free publicity to this junk mailer. I declined this offer, not wishing to creep out the many icky birds who frequent this site. Note that according to the “Date:” header, this message was sent on January 2nd, 2001. Maybe the sender should upgrade from that Commodore 64 mass mailing program.

From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [Feedback] (looking) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/homeplanet/ Date: Wed, 7 Sep 2011 08:22:53 +0200 how on earth do you look at this to see if it is the thing that you are looking for. there are many programs with the same dam description. From: clueless@yahoo.com Subject: [Feedback] (New Heavenly Body? Matter Of Importance) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/yoursky/ Date: Sun, 2 Oct 2011 04:03:39 +0200 I want to report finding a new heavenly body in the sky. It is located at 9h 47m 30.0s 11" 24" 55.5" It is extremely red. If is a known body please let me know which one I located if not I would like to name this thing Burning Blood.

Congratulations—you have discovered Mars! Sadly, it is already named.

From: [email protected] [Feedback] (if they are made from fixed pre-made; they are psuedo, no?) from https://www.fourmilab.ch/hotbits/ Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2011 23:05:08 +0200 John Walker, lets go to Vegas. Most of the vid slots in O.K. are from Tenn. & are 3-4 years old. got any cell app --seeds to i.d. an algo? Clueless (by the way a coin flipped for 4 months landed on its side twice in 120 tosses, not heads or tails; it's a 4 dim object...the surface thee coin lands on is a factor) From: clueless@yahoo.com Date: Tue, 8 Nov 2011 14:28:51 -0800 (PST) Hi i am a french student and we are learning the genders of french words how do you know which is which. The way my french teacher teaches me i dont fully understand. If you could tell me and use some examples i will really appreciate we will have a test on thrusday November 10th 2011 so if you can can you please help me thank you

Good luck next “thrusday”!

From: clueless@hotmail.com Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 20:53:36 +0100 Sent from: 95.9.x.y dslX.static.ttnet.net.tr Subject: [Feedback] (Sincerely) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/enemies/ Thank you The White House Central Intell&amp;#305;gence Agency Director-Governer-Lawyer

Because the White House and “Central Intell&amp;#305;gence Agency” always send their E-mail from a DSL account in Turkey!

From [email protected] Date: Tue, 6 Dec 2011 04:01:18 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (planetary accelerations at Earth) Hello, John, While the accelerations of the Sun and Moon are known because of their magnitude on Earth, the accelerations of the planets are not well know at all because they are so faint. Yet planetary accelerations are exactly what any well-read astrologer will use in estimating the influence of the stars on human activities. Your very good website http://www.fourmilab.ch/cgi-bin/uncgi/Solar/ has a perfect table that can be extended easily to present exactly that. Also, your comments on economics suggest I can share some points with you that might be of some use. Gravitational attraction (tidal forces) from the Moon meant that the entire evolutionary path of Earth had, built into it, a tendency to migrate there. Eventually that was refined into a desire, a dream, and a goal. So the instincts behind the Apollo flight were rank with cold blooded zero sum carnivorous predation. That was still furious throughout the first half of the 1900's. Particularly, the more recent several thousand years of constructionist development should be viewed as rank and riddles with errors because they dedicated the world to reaching the Moon (paintings of bird-headed men standing in winged boats sailing to great sky disk). The warlike societies this spawned plagued human attempts at civilization until the Moon had footprints on it. In fact, the wars have not yet completely changed to peace although the secular truth is displacing superstition and fear rapidly, which helps. Attempts to understand the complete depth of the present economic malaise may be lacking in time perspective. For instance, if there is a completeness component of the devolution of the constructions that tends to eventually grind (a la wheels of justice) the makeshift activity down to the quantum scale, we must be prepared to be meticulous in local economies, which could mean billions of people could be better off raising their own food with modern techniques. (That's only one of the wild cards). The great new assemblies of national representatives are a good step along the direction of taking complete responsibility for all history. They need the kind of encouragement you give to that end.

I often dream of “bird-headed men standing in winged boats sailing to great sky disk”, but then I wake up and find these visions “rank and riddles with errors”. Your kilometrage may vary.

From [email protected] Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:44:58 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (Fox news site) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/yoursky/ Why have you hijacked the Fox News site?

Because it was there!

From [email protected] Date: Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:42:27 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (Tests with the NIST Statistical Test Suite (SP 800-22)) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/hotbits/statistical_testing/stattest.html hi i,m ba student and i'm working on HC128 encryption and i get the result and produce key stream successfuly. now i want to test it by Tests with the NIST Statistical Test Suite (SP 800-22). how can i do that? can i have that software you used? i thought that c source code of this test is on the internet.If it's true how can i find and download taht because i cant find that. please giude me. with respect MSP.

Encryption, and generation and testing of pseudorandom sequences, is an exacting business which requires assiduous attention to detail. Before plunging into it, you might want to make sure you take care to correctly spell the words “I” and “that”.

From [email protected] Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2012 04:00:55 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (June 24, 396 B.C.) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/calendar/ You probably know that 396 B.C. is not the exact 50th year from March 8, 444 B.C. However, 396 B.C. is the exact year that Rome had it's first military victory at Veii. It would be convenient to know if the seige took place on the Sunday of June 24, 396 B.C., but I cannot get a confirmation on that. This would mean that the 69 prophetic weeks were divided at 7 and 62 because the first 7 were non-Roman and the last 62 were Roman. Why would God care about non-Roman and Roman? Because Rome was the Prince who brought the Temple to ruin on Friday, August 10, A.D. 70. Further, Rome rises again in the seven years of The Seventieth Week probably in the form of the European Union that goes from 12 countries to 10 due to one of the 10. What about America? It was made irrelevant by Obamacare!!

Ahhh…Calendar Converter. It attracts 'em like a cow-pie draws flies!

From [email protected] Date: Wed, 15 May 2013 10:38:25 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (Need assistance.) from http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/top10.html I am being attacked by numerous people I need help to know who and what to cut out of my life my computer has been hacked my family plays along with it everyone close to me has changed if you can reply don't know who to turn to.

How can you be sure I haven't changed?

From [email protected] Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 13:11:38 +0800 (CST) Subject: 纸尿裤 Dear CEO, Our company would like to purchase diapers . If you are the diapers producer plz contact us We sincerely hope you could quote after receiving this E-mail, and then we could discuss. Upon the confirmation by our company concerning the quoted price (in the unit of US dollar & Euro) of your company, a contract will be signed during manufacturing the above products. After signing the contract, our company will pay advance payment up to 40% (T/T) of the total amount. The remaining 60% will be paid by issuing a sight T/T, or the account can be settled prior to each delivery. If you have similar designs, please send them to us for reference by email. And please offer us a good scheme and competitive price, so that we can have a long-term cooperation. (The valid time is 30 days.) Thanks for cooperating. Best Regards Office Tel: 0086-742-CLUELESS Contact person: simon 0086-142CLUELESS E-mail: [email protected]

Well, actually, we do not produce diapers. However, we just got in a large shipment of corncobs and are ready to deal. Please advise.

From Abu [email protected] Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 02:17:13 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (you are liar) you are liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! milad al nabi is 13/1/2014, liarrrrrrrrrrrr

Count on the Calendar Converter to bring 'em out!

From [email protected] Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 11:06:30 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (parthian empire) How do you believe this is real accurate? Hopeful I am, that the paganism that is on this earth, since it knows not how to obey Christ, will not loop the clock any faster than digital. For I do believe, they have done this. And more than once. Which would in fact, beside the fact that fire balls are already falling from heaven, to the ignorance of them and the Scriptures, mess up the calendar of the gregorian. I use this tool alot. And i want to use it without the internet? Is that possible if I do save the page? Or do I need the rest of it that is on your server.

Have another highball, and continue to use this tool “alot”.

From: clueless@hotmail.com Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 17:34:57 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (7 x7 and 62 x 7) well, if one reads Daniel 9 as written -there are 2 coming of Christ spoken of (in reverse order-see Clarence larkins work) the first coming 62x7 comes out to 11 bc with no coversion to 360 day years--from 445 bc- 11 bc could be the birth of Christ-first coming (there was a comet this year) 2nd period 7x7=49 years . from 1967 equals 2015-2016 which would be like the first coming 'secret' seen by only a few- that is the rapture.(to me on rosh ha shan) but nevertheless still leaving 1x7 7 years for the tribulation. thanks clueless sorry for spelling

Sorry that you've been left behind.

From: clueless@yahoo.com Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 22:38:22 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (PLEASE HELP) Feedback from: Herrmann's Book of Magic GOODAY PLEASE I WANT YOU TO ATTACK ALL MY ENEMIES SUCH AS Dr. Evil FROM HiddenRedoubt AN Ernst Stavros Blohard WHO ARE INTIMIDATN AN THREATHENIN MY EXISTENCE I NEED YOUR MAGIC HELP FOR MY EMPLOYMENT BY THE FED GOVT THIS MONTH OF MARCH AND YOUR POWER TO OVERPOWER THEM

Happy to oblige! Have you visited our online voodoo doll page? We accept all major credit cards, PayPal, and Bitcoin. I have changed the names of enemies in this message to protect them until we are paid.

From: clueless@somesite.com Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 17:31:01 +0100 Subject: [Feedback] (Purchasing Fourmilab.ch ) Hi, Somesite is a well funded company which owns online communities - we acquire successful websites, and together with the former owner we greatly enhance the website's functionality, traffic and revenue by using our expertise in SEO, Community Development, Monetization, Social Media and Web Development. We are interested in presenting an offer to purchase Fourmilab.ch . Are you the owner? I look forward to hearing back from you! Please send answer to: [email protected] Regards, Clueless

Let's see: your domain was registered in 2007 (at GoDaddy!), and your site's Google PageRank is 0. Your Alexa analytics show a global rank of 548,985.

Fourmilab.ch was registered in 1994, and our Google PageRank is 7. Our Alexa analytics show a global rank of 63,584.

Is your site for sale? Oh, never mind.

From: clueless Date: Sat, 10 Oct 2015 00:42:24 +0200 Subject: [Feedback] (My satalite reentered) I have been a great fan of Home Planet for many years, running it almost constantly. I wonder whether you have an updated satalite data file as my favourate one has reentered. Just wondering. Thanks for the software anyway, Clueless From: Bub Clueless <From: clueless@gmail.com> Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2019 13:37:56 +0000 Subject: Software Development Hi, Hope all is well. I have a great idea I am looking to develop software for but do not have any experience in programming. Any advice? Thank you for you time, any advice is appreciated.

Learn to code.

From: Galileo Clueless <From: clueless@gmail.com> Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2022 12:26:24 -0800 (PST) Subject: Google Earth Science John,it seems our planet is moving in sinusoidal motion around the Sun. Can you respond so I can send hypothesis. California Technical Institute Computational Astrophysicist is in agreement about sinusoidal motion causing seasonal shadow movements. I would like your feedback. I some jpegs, satellite images you have to see and a Chart of Aurora Borealis intensification which support hypothesis. Perhaps you can open a Gmail account, it's important because hypothesis answers questions NASA wasn't able to. I hope I motivated you.

Doggone that NASA! If they can put a man on the Moon, why can't they figure out what causes “seasonal shadow movements”?

---

Well, that's it, at least until the next gem arrives that “makes the list”. Catch you later, somewhere in cyberspace. So I offer you this heartfelt plea,
For IQs twelve to eighty-two,
Before you get flamed many times, many ways,
Don't send E-mail; get a clue!