Perks that your company grants you

Congratulations, corporate prisoner. You’ve made it. After countless hours of unpaid interviews, whiteboard algorithm puzzles, and "tell me about a time you failed" performance theater, you’ve landed a job. A real one. With benefits. Perks, even. You're not just a cog in the machine anymore. You're a cog with access to a ping pong table.
We used to think perks meant something—company cars, stock options, sabbaticals. 

But welcome to the modern workplace, where basic human dignity is rebranded as "competitive compensation." 

So buckle in and let’s take a look at the revolutionary, life-changing perks that your soul-sapping job is proud to offer.

Your Perks

Enjoy your 5-Day work week!

Wow. Just five whole days of soul erosion instead of seven? Truly generous. For 40 hours a week, you trade your youth, passion, and spinal alignment to ensure that the sprint goals are met and the tickets are closed. And when Friday finally limps its way into your calendar, you’re too exhausted to enjoy your temporary freedom. But hey, at least it’s not six days. Unless you're on call. Then it is.

Be grateful that you get weekends off!

"Don't work weekends!" they proudly declare, as if allowing you to have the two days that are legally and spiritually yours is some kind of revolutionary act. Of course, the Slack pings still come. The JIRA updates still ping. But you’re not required to answer them. That’s freedom now.

Minimum wage is enough for anyone to survive!

Remember when your guidance counselor said tech was a gold mine? Turns out the only thing being mined was your patience. Enjoy your paycheck that just barely covers rent, food, and the antidepressants you need to keep smiling through standups. And if you’re lucky, your boss might toss you a Starbucks gift card after you work two weekends in a row.

If you work, you might get basic healthcare!

Your pancreas can fail now, and you might live. Not thrive—just live. As long as you use the in-network urgent care center that's open twice a week between 9 and 11 AM. Just don’t get sick while unemployed. Or during probation. Or during a restructure. Or ever.

Whee, check out these chairs with wheels!

We asked for ergonomic setups. What we got were rotating plastic thrones that squeak like they're screaming in pain every time we shift our weight. But they roll. So you can spin in place while you think about all the other career paths you could’ve taken. Like pottery. Or grave-digging. At least gravediggers get fresh air.

Ping Pong is worth trading your life away for!

Nothing boosts morale quite like awkwardly batting a plastic ball across a table while your manager hovers nearby trying to bond. You can’t afford therapy, but you can smash a ping pong ball at Dave from sales and pretend it was cathartic.

Brighten up your day with top-quality fluorescent lighting!

Behold, the artificial sun. Flickering tubes of corporate ambience that transform your skin tone into that of a corpse and leave your eyes feeling like sandpaper after a long day of not blinking enough. Bonus: migraines are now part of your compensation package.

A flexible pooping plan will keep you regular!

Need to poop at 11 instead of your allotted 10:15 break? You’re in luck. At our office, you can take a bathroom break whenever you want. Just make sure you take your laptop with you. And if you're gone for more than 6 minutes, HR gets a Slack notification. But still, freedom.

All the free weekly stress you can handle!

Every Monday, like clockwork, a new flavor of existential dread is piped directly into your bloodstream. Unclear expectations, sprint planning, layoffs, and the thrilling uncertainty of whether this is the week you get called out in a retro. It’s free. Unlimited. And always fresh.

Start at the interview gauntlet

Before all this, you earned the privilege of being hazed like a frat pledge through a 12-step interview process. You rewrote your resume six times. You did a take-home project that ended up in production. You met the team. Then you met the team’s team. Then the VP. Then the CEO’s dog. And at the end of it, they offered you… this.

Suck it up

These aren't perks. 

They’re concessions. 

They're the crumbs you're told to be grateful for while the company celebrates another funding round and adds a kombucha tap. 

But we keep showing up. 

Because the rent doesn’t wait. 

Because the job market is a bloodbath. 

Because it’s this or being homeless.

So slap on your badge. Log in to the VPN. Drag your wheeled chair to your assigned seating quadrant. You’re a modern worker now. And you have perks.